The disbelief part of all of this is very disorienting. It grips me all throughout the day and night. Causes me to shake my head out of the blue and think how did I get here? How is it that this is my life? How can this man I feel I have known all this time be capable of doing this to me, to our children? The disbelief quakes around me, stretches to all the people we have ever known and loved. Nobody saw this coming..........most of all me. All the disbelief causes me to ask so many questions at a rapid rate. What will life look like moving forward? How will I heal my heart that is so damaged and broken? How will I have ever be able to trust myself or my judgement ever again? How are my kids going to survive this? How will I learn to be a single mother? A job that was never on my radar. How will I ever fully grieve the loss, the loss of a life that I loved despite its challenges? How will I have enough strength to endure, because this is for sure a marathon not a sprint? How will I manage a pandemic amid all of this with myself and the kids? How will I let go of all of it, all the stuff I have loved for so long? How will I reinvent my life? How will I move forward in the most healthy way I can? How many experiences lie ahead that will cut me open all over again and again? I truly could go on and on. I made a decision early on in this, that I will let the emotions come come in and not fight them. I will do the same for my kids, all emotions are totally OK and fair game. I will acknowledge them, invite them in for coffee, stay with them, and then release them. No judgement, just acceptance of my journey all along the way. I know that the answers to all of the above will be answered along the way, and I certainly don't have to solve it today. In fact my new philosophy is just to stay in the day, or in some cases simply the moment I am in, and what is right in front of me, because that is about all I can handle. I also feel a fire burning in my soul, driving me to whatever awaits ahead. I can feel it pulling me toward it and drawing me in. Like an invisible cord that is attached to my future self. This journey has taken on a life of its own and my path has been lighted, and pulling at my heart at every turn. I am trusting the journey and where I am headed. My intuition so certain that after the fire settles and the embers are still burning, my new life awaits.
jperuso
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