Disbelief..............

I still struggle with this piece........despite knowing what has happened and coming to some kind of acceptance with it in my life........I still will have a wave.......out of nowhere that washes over me......and in that wave comes the awareness that he did this......all of this.....to me.....to us......and it still is beyond hard for me to comprehend....and I am guessing it won't ever go away......maybe ten years from now a wave will come still carrying that disbelief......because I just didn't see it coming.......like being involved in a hit and run.....and the shock and disbelief is still real sometimes.......not too often thankfully..... but it is still there........or my awareness that he should be here with me, helping me take care of OUR children......I am blessed to not have resentment or don't feel like a martyr......I just don't...... my children are my heart, and I would choose my position over his every single time......but there is a part of me that understands.......clearly that the responsibility as it pertains to our children...... has been left on my lap......and it is most definitely not equitable in any way shape or form.....and I accept that piece because I would rather that than battling him as he is trying to take them from me.......and I remind myself of that when the responsibility feels too great....especially when I think long term for Gabe......he will likely live with me forever.....FOREVER......that is a big one.......and Nick was supposed to join me in that forever...and bailed.......and if love comes to find me again......which I feel it might........feeling him waiting out there:) ......that man will have to accept forever with Gabe too......and Nick hasn't even considered that......not wondered what that would be like for me.......how I am to move forward with the kids as part of my package........or better yet how I pull off falling in love in the first place with my children in tow.......because I won't expose them to men unless I am totally sure.....and after time has elapsed........... and I won't make them feel neglected or left in ANY way......because of all the have endured........so sometimes I wonder how I could even do any of that anyway?? Maybe fall in love in my shed at midnight when they are asleep.....LOL:). Could work right? In all seriousness though, the awareness that he abandoned us and the shock and disbelief in that never wanders far......and will stay for sure...likely all of my days.......because in that disbelief lies my belief........my belief in who I believed Nick to be.......who I felt he was......and how this is all not in line with those beliefs.........so in the day to day.....I choose to be grateful.......grateful that I get to have my kids with me.....that I get to enjoy them.....watch them grow......evolve and change into the people they are meant to be......I am grateful we get to adventure and that I have the means to take good care of them.......we get to live in a lovely place and have all we need and more......that I have great support in my life and help if I need......and in the day to day I offer him opportunities where he can see them or be with them......recently he took me up on a good one that I hope brings us closer to the things I am trying to have for us as co parents........and even as the disbelief comes to haunt me......knowing what I know now.......I would not have chosen the other way......this new life that has been given to me has been a super special gift and I plan on making the most of it.....and not let any of the toxic stuff get in.......feel it......accept it.....then let it go........