It occurs to me often in my grief as I move forward that I am grieving two very different people at any given point, making it complicated......and in my later awareness I am grieving really nothing......crazy sounding right? What I mean is that the deep grief I carry is for the man of once upon a time......a man I haven't seen in awhile.....but the path through grief brings him into focus sometimes in my heart and mind in one snapshot that is brought for me to look at......and it is in those moments that I have to challenge myself to remember the other one.....the one that was here for the last leg of our marriage......the one that I don't grieve as deeply, the one that is easier to let go of.....so sometimes holding those two things in my healing feels really weird and is a strange thing to travel through.......confusing.....and subject to playing head games with me......because I remember both vividly......have fondness for one.....not for the other.....and then it creates a rabbit hole of the wondering if I ever really knew him at all? Is that once upon a time guy real? Was he real? Or was he a reflection of the love I held for him......and was he hiding when he wasn't standing in that reflection.....that is a notion that has made the hair on my neck stand up.....to think maybe I never knew what lied beneath? Not ever????? Or again maybe it is as I perceived it to be and then changed......so hard to say which......because we are all not one way.....we have layers of ourselves.....ones we reveal to people that we love over time.....letting each part come to the surface, piece by piece......and being in touch with our authentic self is not so easy....as I am learning now......finding authenticity now is exciting and thrilling but could not be found in my marriage....so I guess as I type this.....I too did not show him all of me either......wasn't as true to me as I thought I was all those years either.....although I was always real.......always....and honest......and loyal.......but I wonder which parts of him were those things in return......hard to say now.......and as the end unfolds fully I scratch my head often.....wondering......who does my grief belong to.....which man.......once upon a time.....or recent.......I am however fairly certain that once upon a time him is gone forever.....that I will never see him again......like death......and permanent.......I don't think he can find his way back there through the forest of thick trees he has created in his wake.......but I am always hoping I am wrong........so as I grieve for these two men......it occurs to me that my journey into me and my authenticity is so very important......to learn how to be me......fully me.....and hold onto her no matter what......no matter what.......because the people in our lives deserve the REAL US.......every single moment.......they really do......
jperuso
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