I feel like much of what goes on with me lately are focused around decisions.......the ones pertaining to the world we live in.......kids, work, home, school.....and certainly ones related to what I am going through and trying to make sound and clear decisions at every turn.....the challenging thing is that on the other side there are very often petty games being played.....just incessant games that totally stunt any progress forward......that are exhausting.........and it can be so challenging to live in that space.....in the one where you have to figure out how to remain true to yourself, and have a voice in the stuff that matters but do so in ways that you don't fully abide.......all while trying to keep the greater good.....your children's greater good first and foremost........it is almost hard to explain completely.....and it requires so much of me.....because the truth is there are still wounded parts of me that exist, that surface at weird times......times when I wish they wouldn't........and sometimes I am still surprised by the pain that is there.....right below the surface of it all.......because the other truth is I feel pretty great most days too......resting easy in the understanding that my life is infinitely better now.....and enjoying so much of my new life and the discovery of it all.........and so I am sort of experiencing a push and a pull with old Jenn and new......trying to find some way to integrate the two......help them become one in understanding and healing....and it can be challenging.......much of the hurt around his betrayal has been coming up the last few weeks....not sure why......but it has......and I still get shocked when I think of all he lied to me about.....the lengths he went to to deceive me and make me believe something totally different than what was happening......and the fact that he would do that to me at all considering all we have been through in this life......seems really really unfair.....I would never have betrayed him.......not ever........and things come back to me in flashes now......things he said.....that must not have been true.......things we did......things we shared.......just all of it.....and when I am faced with the decisions I am......and how to behave when it comes to him.......I have to put all that hurt aside......because if my decisions are made with that hurt in my heart.......they most certainly won't be the right ones......they would be meant to harm, to destroy, to retaliate......and that is never my goal.......so I am mindful of not reacting out of that hurt.......thinking things through........giving myself time.......space.......a day......or a few days......then acting from a more neutral space whenever I am able......putting action in place not reaction.......there is a big difference between the two.......I hope it gets better......hope the hurt continues to fade into the background.....that my wounds continue to heal......that I continue to find ways to move forward......that my children and I continue to feel protected and watched over as we forge ahead......the school year looms heavily as we all go to our respective places and it feels heavy on my shoulders......but I am choosing to have my faith be bigger than my fear......and trust our journey......and embrace the year ahead as we all embark on new adventures!
jperuso
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