There is so much left to say and so much left unsaid between us.......like so much......and I keep waiting patiently, or some days maybe not so patiently, for the time when they can be said......and I keep waiting for you to stand up in your current situation and do what is right by all of us and take care of what needs to be taken care of so we can move on.....like fully move on.......sometimes I fantasize about the fact that this conversation looms in the distance and that God will make it so we can have it, and do it really well........ and other times a voice says he may never be able to have this conversation with you.....not in this lifetime......too painful.....too much shame attached.....too much heartache for him to endure to sit in it with you.......hard to say......but I am not sure I will ever feel less about how wildly unfair I feel it is, that our 20 year relationship ended on a Thursday night.......after dinner......without so much as a glance back over your shoulder to do the real work of healing......I knew that night Nick that if I didn't say all the things I needed to the opportunity may be lost......I knew that because of what you had shared about her and what I had experienced myself about her......her jealousy.....her insecurities......her controlling and volatile nature.......her rage.......I knew you would not be free to do the things that maybe you would want to do anymore......when you went to live with her......but even in the knowing and the desperate need to purge my soul of all of that, it was insanely unfair of you to expect that from me that night.......that that night was supposed to be my last chance to say all the things I needed to say to my husband that I had spent half my life with.........I was too shocked......too devastated.....in too much pain to even create much of a coherent thought let alone say all the things in my heart to let our marriage go.......my feelings were all over the map......rage.......sadness.......despair.......love.......all of it........we had a sort of goodbye, when we stood in the kitchen and said some tender things and had our moment........but it is not near sufficient to me for the rest of my days........it really isn't.....and the times I have had the opportunity throughout this and tried to speak some of my truth to you I am instantly aware you are not ready to do that.......and that the effort I am extending is futile.......how you believe that you don't owe me a thing after all I have been to you and done for you is absolutely one of my life's greatest mysteries and heartaches.....I won't ever understand how you can even remotely justify that in your mind in your day to day.....and the way you have treated me since that Thursday night, and the lack of respect and regard for our life together you have shown.......I am certain when this ugly chapter of things ends for you......this part of the story over....which I am certain it will be........that will likely be your greatest regret......the way that you worked so hard to placate and pacify your girlfriend at the absolute detriment of myself and your children......and I hope that when that realization and truth comes to find you you are strong enough to make amends with all of us, and not run and hide and drown away your guilt and shame.....that is truly my wish for you......what you have done is horrifying Nick and somebody needs to say that to you......you can spin it and soften it in any way you wish.......but as I have often said the truth is always the truth and a lie will always be a lie......the suffering you have inflicted on the three of us was brutal.....especially through the lens of remembering that we are the three people that loved you the most in all your life and didn't deserve any bit of it.....if you were not happy that is a fact I can fully accept.....if you didn't want me anymore I can accept that too.......but the deceptive and manipulative way you went about all of it, and making me believe a different story for so long I cannot abide or excuse......and as I have said the horror you have left in the wake of it all.......in the beginning I thought how will I spend the rest of my life loving this man the way I do and knowing I cannot be with him.....that he is not good for me........but I don't feel that way now....I have let you go.......I have seen you in ways I never have before......ways I cannot unsee......and I am clear on the fact that you are not meant to share my heart in that way, not in this life, not ever again.........I will however love you for the rest of my life and carry the time we spent on this earth close to my heart all of my days and I do truly wish you find happiness and peace in this life too and do what you need to do that......and I hope this current chapter of your story ends soon because with each passing day I see that no good.....no progress......no hope for your future with YOUR children is possible otherwise.....and the damage you are doing is piling up......in terms of your relationship with your kids, our relationship as co parents, and the things you will have to face one day when you finally come to, and are fully aware of all of it......and I hope one day you find your brave too, as I have found mine, and have the decency and respect to meet me, look into my eyes and make amends for all you have done.......that will likely be the most courageous day in all of your life......and I will always remain hopeful you can one day do just that.......but if that day doesn't come I am coming to terms with that too........each and every day......
Love always and forever,
Jenn
PS I would have had your back forever........loved you all of my days.......thought you should know that..........
Comments