Dead in my tracks.......

I read something last night that stopped me dead in my tracks and that resonated so deeply with me......and I write about it today, not to spin into conjecture, or feed the worry wheel.....because ultimately I have faith it will all work out......I really do......but I felt extremely compelled to explore my feelings surrounding all of this.....because what I read hit me so hard, so here I go......I have explored in my blog my readiness to date and share my life numerous times......and truthfully it is not a cut and dry topic for me......I am ready for some things......like really ready........and yearning for some things in my life, but not so much for others......but what adds to the complications of it all are my children......that is what this article really conveyed so powerfully......the woman writing it being a single mom and desperately not wanting to change the dynamic she has created with she and her kids by adding a new man to the mix.......and it hit the nail on the head.....and it may not seem all that powerful to you......especially if you have never gone through what I have......but for me....it is everything.......we have created this rock solid space.......this healing space....where the three of us vibe in all the best ways......they trust me......they look to me for it all.....they understand the journey we are on......our day to day is comforting and sweet......easy truly.......reliable.......routine......fun.......just all of it......and there is no way for me to invite somebody into my life without changing that dynamic in a profound way.....and it hurts my heart to type that.......Like makes tears spring to my eyes......my decisions ultimately will always affect them too......and I am glad I have decided to ride alone mostly during this time......it has been good for them to have the space they need......the time to acclimate.....to have their mom's undivided attention.......but the truth is I am not an unencumbered 20 something anymore looking for love.......I am a middle aged mama with two precious souls in tow that deserve only the best of it all, just like their mom does......and reading her feelings about it all.......feelings that mirror mine......talking about the routines she has with her children and not wanting to give up any of the magic to have a man come into the picture......I feel that......like deep in my soul...........just like I have been loyal and true to the loves in my life.....that same fierce loyalty translates to my children......and they are my number one every single day......so then where is the room? The room for it all??? For love and romance, and all the things I definitely desire in this life, good question right?? And our home is now a sanctuary.......a peaceful place.......and nobody would be allowed to join us in this space if they are not committed to the same......if they are at war with themselves we cannot have them here......but the thing is you never know that about a person until.......so yeah what I read stopped me cold.....reminding me of how complicated it may all be or maybe not with the right man......one that gets it......a man committed to peace in the ways I am??? So for today I trust it.....I truly do......but reading that and being reminded of the deep feelings I hold around protecting my kids from anything that doesn't come bearing light and love......was sobering.......because we all deserve that.......and we will roll alone as long as we need to hold out for somebody that adds to our magic, never detracts from it.