I haven't gone on a date yet......been asked a few times, but have politely declined.....I think it is likely that people's timelines are their own.....and the truth is I haven't felt remotely ready to do that......... until now......maybe;-) .......I feel I am reaching a new place in my healing, one that would allow for some casual dating......nothing serious, but a date.......and for everyone it may be different......maybe they are ready sooner......but for me there was no possibility of me going on a date, and not being stuck on the story in a way that wouldn't have allowed me to enjoy it or my date ;-) .....but I feel that recently I made a significant shift....... in further letting go...... and truly putting a lot of stuff behind me.......in a way that makes room for such things......it has been nearly a year now.....and I think that seems fitting as well.......like a good amount of time has passed.....however just because intuitively my mind is feeling ready....and I am expressing that.....doesn't mean I will actually do it LOL:). It seems daunting to me......like another mountain.....and maybe it is not as hard as it feels to me......or maybe it is.......... I feel wildly inept at this point.....I have been in a marriage and relationship for 20 years.....what do I know about dating? Nothing......:) Especially in my mid life circumstances......kids......complications....life......you get the idea......not nearly as carefree as in my 20s......having adventures till dawn and nobody to answer to;-) so as I sit here examining my thoughts about it they are not clean lined, as has been the case with most of the things that I have swam through since this happened.......and my hunch is that it is easier than it feels......that the idea of it.......is not in line with the reality.....at least I hope:) but I think part of healing is honoring whatever part comes forward and what feels authentic at any given point......I am not an impulsive person......I think things through......sometimes to a fault........too much......so I am trying not to overthink anything these days.....sort of letting it all be......being more spontaneous in my desires and life........but not in impulsive and reckless........ fine line....so I don't know what I will actually do about my desire to go on a few dates these days......not easy to meet anybody when you are a mama........ and online dating I have been scanning for awhile.....like a voyeur lol but no action either.......and it is not easy there either......so maybe it won't happen for awhile and that is OK too......I just thought I should give a voice to my wonderings........because I had no room for any of it up until now........ and still don't necessarily have much room or freedom in my life.....but I guess I have space in my heart now.....some of my wounds are closed........I can feel that.........not room for love necessarily, just a space to meet some new people........it is fun to think of.......the other complication is dating with kiddos and being a single mama......my life is most certainly not mine.....and I do not want my kids to know about any dates.......or any men until I know he is the one.......I feel they need to feel secure......and know they are my first priority very clearly......so when the time comes it will be complicated.......but I am trusting as I have all the rest that what is meant for me......what I am meant to experience as I journey is what is meant to be......I KNOW that deep in my soul that that is the way it works.......that the people that will enter my life will come with a purpose and lesson that helps me evolve and move forward........so I am not sweating the how......just examining the inclination for now......feeling its desire crop up.....and letting it all play out as it is meant to:)
jperuso
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