Damage is done...........

I have been reminded recently of the weight of the damage that has been done to me through this experience and that the truth is the damage is done........I cannot go back in time.......cannot choose another ending........it is too late.......I do know that I have the power to change so much of what has happened to me.....overcome it.......move beyond as much as I can........but when I am reminded of the damage I am reminded of the power we hold over other people......the power our actions carry........and what an awesome responsibility that is.......I am not sure if my desire to be vulnerable in a real way with another person in my life will ever return......I really don't.......I hope it does......I really do........but being in charge of my own ship and being cocooned in, all of that makes me feel wildly safe and comfortable........I am absolutely one thousand percent committed to my healing each and every day.....every single step and move I take is with that goal in mind so that there is a day beyond this........... but I have to say betrayal.........and the type of betrayal I have endured........by the one person that I thought would never do such a thing........is immense........it is such an enormous blow.........the deepest of cuts......and rattles the foundation that I was standing on for a long time. I venture to guess that if people that betray others had the perspective of what it actually feels like they would never do it........the pain that it causes........the destruction it leaves.........or maybe experiencing it wouldn't matter as much........because maybe it depends on how deeply and fully you love......the level that you hurt.......I am guessing my pain was deep and wide and vast because I love that way.......all in.........all of another person.......for better or for worse.......all of it......so maybe you have to love that way to hurt that way........I don't spend a lot of time marveling at the damage.......I don't there is no point......but I am aware of it......and I can feel it from time to time in a very real way......it feels like the heavier part of my soul when the rest feels so much lighter these days..........and I am guessing that vulnerable part will call on my bravery one day, ask me to be brave again.......maybe the bravest I will ever have to be in my life........being brave enough to put my heart out there again........let it be vulnerable.........let it have the opportunity to have something like this happen again.......maybe all these other brave things I do in the day to day are helping me be brave enough one day to do that too.........maybe.............