Court.........

We have court coming up next week on two days......one a mediation in the hopes of getting it right and then a custody conference if we can't figure it out......Seeing your life sent to you via court documents in your email is a very anxiety provoking event......I don't know what it is about it......something maybe about the formality that strikes an uncomfortable chord.....or maybe it is the fact that the things decided in court, in these matters, are such huge things......carrying heavy consequences........we are still wandering through custody.....it is complicated at best.......so I remain confident in my position and all my actions since he has been gone.......and certainly before.......however he cannot say the same.....and because of the lack of communication on his part I have no idea what his plan to see them consistently will be........it seems ridiculous to me that we can't just discuss this, court uninvolved and move on with our lives.......however that will not be when he continues to have the influences in his life that he does......so I have accepted court it is......I am ready.....but being ready and wanting to have to say the things I will have to say to protect my children are two different things.....court is not in me.......it is not my thing to duke it out.....I much prefer reason and peace.......but it doesn't look like that is where this is headed.....it is one of my least favorite parts for sure........I was thinking about it as I was writing my book. Thinking back to our early mediations, how they made me physically shake, the trauma still coursing through me.......now they don't.....I am steeled and ready for whatever comes.......but it is most definitely not easy.....being in an adversarial position with him after all our years together just seems so crazy to me......I normally love and make friends for life......if I had your back at one point, it is likely I still do unless you did something horrid to me, then you are on your own;-) but in this case the horrid thing was done to me, but he is the father of my children, and I take no pleasure in having to go full tilt in court to maintain what I believe is best for our children......I want him to see them, have from the beginning......but there are deep complications that have prevented that from taking place with any sort of consistency or normalcy.......and it makes it wildly difficult to navigate......I am not sure I can articulate fully how maddening it is, to have something be so obvious yet there is no awareness of it on the other side......however there will be when we go to court.......and maybe then the reality will sink in.......maybe........I will be glad when the court phase settles and moves to the background of this story.....and maybe it won't for awhile.....but I hope it will.......so I am ready.......but sad.......that it has come to this......which I guess is how I feel about all of it.......ready but wishing it were different somehow......as I travel this road.....I am always eternally grateful that I am as strong and resilient as I am......not sure how I got to that place or if I can even take any credit......I come from good stock....a long line of strong folks:). But every step of this I am so grateful for it......and next week I will need it indeed.......