Life is complicated.....it truly is.....the strength of my emotions and hurt through this is really something to behold.....the strength and power of my emotions jolt me and cause me to be in awe of their depth and force.......and these emotions have such a foothold in my heart as I make my way through the storm at the moment......and when they come there are thin lines between them...........blurry lines with no beginning and no end, just bleeding into one another each and every day......Compassion comes...........I truly have deep compassion for the path my husband is currently traveling.....when I say that people can't quite believe it, but it is true.......I have compassion for all he has lost and has yet to realize.....I have compassion for the place he is in at this moment in time, to have allowed himself to do the things he has done....I have compassion for the reasons why he was capable of doing them......I have compassion for him because he let the people that have loved him the most in his entire life down and to slip away.....and he will have to live with that............I have compassion because nothing in his life will ever be the same.......not ever again.........and in that compassion comes healing, it puts me in touch with the better part of me.....the one that understands the human condition is messy and we are all deeply flawed in our own ways.....and people deserve our compassion when we can be compassionate......I also have a strong rage and anger for all he has done.....and for all he continues to do, and for the choices he continues to make.... and the suffering he continues to inflict.........the rage is strong and full, and is a force, and when it comes it is hard to wrestle down.....almost too big to manage.....I let it come and know it needs to find its way out of me and into a safe space so that I can move on and be whole again......free of the holds rage can place on our souls if it is not dealt with properly and honestly........the rage is a necessary release in this process....the rage of betrayal, deception, disloyalty, destruction......all of it.......and then the line begins to blur again and there is pain.....just immense and deep pain......and when the pain comes it is also deep and shocking.....like my soul has been mortally wounded.....never to return to its former version again......and I don't think it ever will be....truly.........it will forever have deep scarring and deep bruising.......scars and bruises that tell a story.....a story of a girl who loved with her whole heart and had her heart broken in such a big way.....but those scars will also tell the tale of a brave girl.......a girl who got back up and didn't give up......not even for one day.......a girl who believes in love, in life, in hope, and most of all in the power of a new day and a NEW LIFE..............
jperuso
Comments