Nick went into quarantine on December 22nd of last year and was gone through New Year's then left four days later......so in my mind there are sorta two days that mark the end...and these next days leading up to the holiday sorta carry some stuff for me.....it is sort of like your body knows when a painful anniversary is close even if you had no access to a calendar....and as I sit here this morning it is crazy for me to think it has been nearly a year....like the passage of time has seemed so long yet in a blink......it is so hard for me to access my old life in my mind....hard to feel the feelings.....be in those spaces.....remember.....every single part of my life has changed so drastically and feels so much like me.....feeling more authentic and me in my skin than I ever have, making it hard to access the past......and truth is I don't look there often.....no need to go back there much these days......but it is curious to think of the difference a year can make in a person's life.....like unreal......so these next two weeks were the last ones we spent as a family....not knowing the bomb would hit......and next Christmas it won't hold last year's memories with him in them at all....it will just be the kids and I......I love the holidays, always have and it has always been a treasured time in my life....and his affair colored so much of them for the last few years.....it seems every fallout would occur in the fall then muddy the entire holiday season and this holiday season so far has been so beautiful.....full of all the things I love and without any heartache or suffering......he also did not enjoy holidays the way I did and there was sometimes unnecessary strife that would come to tarnish things in ways that were so upsetting to me.....but now I am FREE of all of that.....I don't feel lonely.....don't feel longing to have a partner for the holiday, my kids are more than enough.......Friday I think we are heading to the Bethel light show......and some new traditions on the horizon in our new lives.....have some good plans up my sleeve and just peace in my heart......and it feels amazing.......and even though I don't long for our conversation........I wonder about his feelings as we approach a year......what he thinks about sometimes.....or remembers......hard to say....but for me I just remember last Christmas being the scariest and most stressful one I had ever experienced, I was so sad and lonely with him gone..... and I am feeling so so grateful that the one upon me feels lighter and happier and full of peace and joy......the Jenn of last Christmas was so worried about him, worried he was going to get COVID, worried he wouldn't make it, devastated about the idea of doing life without him.....thinking I would never survive it.......and now here I am, a year later, not only surviving but thriving without him.....funny the difference a year makes:)
jperuso
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