We had to see each other this week.....it is the most bizarre feeling to have the person you knew the best in this world, have felt the most comfortable around at any given point, on any given day........ become a comfortable stranger.....because even though things are strange, even though they are strained, even though they are SO weird, that DEEP familiarity doesn't just disappear......a comfortable stranger....he has become that to me........and as I felt that comfortable strangeness I thought where do all "our private jokes" and "four best friends sayings" go? Where does all that home stuff dissipate to? Those special sayings and love drenched sayings...... ones that would make us all laugh so hard.......Do those things die forever......never to be there again.....or do they morph into something else as we take on our new roles in our lives......I feel so sorry for those special exchanges we all shared for so so long.....all the smiles and laughs and creation of our family's language......like a new dialect....the specialness that took place inside our walls.....that space that only the four of us know about.....and those spaces that only he and I do..........with our people......our lovely family stuff.......to suddenly be destroyed on a random Thursday night.....to hang in their beautiful humor, and heartfelt creation for the rest of all of our lives......Among other things I was struck with this week it was that simple notion.....where do our family's private jokes go to die......where do they find their final resting place.....obviously the kids and I have our own language and special sayings, and any of the ones we can carry with us we will....if it seems like it still suits our new life.......but some of them are uniquely for the "four best friends" not the three of us.......and it is another piece to fall away.....to leave by the side of the road as I walk this journey, because it is too heavy to carry the rest of the way.....and forever....I feel like I have a pack on my back and as I am walking in this process I am stopping on the side of the road and unpacking stuff I thought I needed to bring in those early days, things I picked up from the wreckage and put in there..... and now I am just leaving it......realizing it doesn't need to journey with me any longer....no longer serves the Jenn of today....and old piece that no longer fits and just makes my pack heavy....makes my back hurt.......but doesn't bring any real value to carry all of my days....and as my pack lightens, the peace and lightness it brings into my soul makes me keenly aware that leaving these things by the side of the road is what I should be doing....what I am meant to do......there are things that will remain in my pack all of my days and I am very aware of what those things are......but some things are no longer for me......and with each passing day I am feeling more and more comfortable with the letting go and the understanding of what I am meant to carry.........and what I am not anymore........
jperuso
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