I have to be ALL in......I have to be.........I am not sure that is always understood......when I committed to myself, this journey, my story, and my willingness to put it all out there with my intentions in mind, it has required me to be all in no matter what......and the truth is that isn't always easy......I have had to completely had to let go of the opinions of others......like completely..........letting go of looking for acceptance in the eyes of all of the people I have known and cared about......and choose myself and my voice over that.......and I have faced lots and lots of acceptance, but some rejection too......and I have had to push past all of that to live the life I want to.....on my terms.....remaining true to my heart and soul......and I make no apologies......I am as unapologetic as you know what lol;-) about it all......I just am......and when I write about the pain that still finds me on this journey......nearly two years later......I take for granted that people know it doesn't consume me in my day to day at all......because it doesn't......or it is not me hanging onto stuff I need to let go of.......it is me being honest about my journey every day.....and the truth is I would likely write much less about my divorce part, or him at all........if........our children didn't tie us.......and because of that...... stuff comes up.......but even though two years seems like a long time to the outside world.....and sometimes it seems amazing to me it has been that long, and sometimes my other life feels like a dream.......the stark truth is there is no time limit on grief and healing.......that I have learned......and nobody gets to tell a person how to do it.....they just don't ....and as much as I wish for complete healing.....like now.......to one day be completely whole again.....all my wounds no longer visible......I know that won't be the case.......there are wounds, from this experience, that I will carry all of my days.......ones that will make their presence known when I fall in love again......ones that will come up......and I give myself grace and love in that.......I was wounded so deeply that is to be expected.......but I guess my urge to clarify came from wanting to let anyone reading understand that what I write about are the snapshots of what comes......they are not always indicative of my whole life......and if sadness and grief comes and makes an appearance in my blog, it was a challenging moment.......not indicative of the whole picture.......which is why I write about all of it......anything that comes.....and when I listened to that podcast I had done last night......we had taped it at Christmas time, and obviously when I was doing it it was a blur......so to settle in and listen to the finished product last night, I felt so proud of the way the words found me to articulate exactly what it was I meant to articulate, it felt powerful.......my story told the way I wanted it to be told in another form......with the potential to touch more lives......to help more women move forward too.......so my blogs are a moment in time......never the whole thing......this journey has been complicated......my healing is fluid......and when I committed to this blog so early on, I committed to being as honest as I could be, while still respecting some boundaries between myself and my past......but none of what I am doing, or trying to do, works unless I lead with my authenticity and bravery in that truth every single day......and I try to do just that......and I hope it hits my readers just that way too! I really do:)
jperuso
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