So one would think there would be some level of support in this situation toward me from him......most people have asked me what did Nick say? Truth is not much.......and the current situation in which he resides won't allow for such things.....and it is so wrong.....he has been in the same positions with me over the years watching Gabe struggle, particularly when he is sick......and to not offer some level of support to me during this time, by even text alone.......is kind of unforgivable......and still.......leaves me scratching my head......I have witnessed the changes in him this past year ringside.......doing stuff I never believed he would......or could......or was capable of.......but yet he persists.........and it is in these moments I wonder where his compassion has gone.......his humanity.......his ........all of it........and was it even ever there to begin with.........because the man I loved would have behaved so differently in every single scenario that has presented itself........so I sit in our home......battling this battle.......remembering last year's battle also......isolated.......and now facing my first single Christmas.......and caring for our son and trying not to get sick myself to be the caregiver of it all......while he prepares to celebrate the holiday with whomever he is and he cares not what any of this means for me or how it affects me.......and it is kind of hard to believe......but when I think of the last year........and each time he has chosen this path.....after my horror and disbelief dissipates.........I get STRONGER........EVERY SINGLE TIME......I channel that shock and awe and get to work.......I dive into the doing......the achieving......the figuring out how to endure in the face of my next challenge........and I am keenly aware that if he had been nicer to me.......kinder to me.......more supportive of me this past year.......it may have made things more challenging in some ways......and the level of strength I have found may have eluded me to some degree......not being as fierce as it is.........but damn if it doesn't still hurt my heart.......the ways that he can be in the face of what is.......the choices he makes to appease his new life.......I cannot imagine doing that to another human......not ever......no matter what.......I would always choose my humanity over another person............so these next two weeks will be a churning......as I spend time in quarantine alone......alone with my thoughts.......my heart......and it will challenge me to face all the feelings that are coming.....from the holiday....from my life stuff......from facing COVID......from all of it......and then on the other side of the New Year, I will look forward to passing the date he left.....live in a year that is further removed from my life with him........and having a new holiday on my calendar.......the day I was FREED.......my LIBERATION day......to be freed from somebody who didn't really love me.....not in the ways I need to be loved......freed from a life that was depleting me........freed from not being able to live my authentic self......freed......and I look forward to that celebration.......and in the meantime.......I will count my blessings......Gabe is still experiencing mild symptoms this morning and Mads and I are feeling healthy......all that matters in the end indeed:)
jperuso
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