Yesterday on Christmas Eve, we did some quiet things.....made cookies, watched movies, went on Christmas Eve service on zoom, wore our pajamas...... letting Gilly have one more day of her antibiotic before heading out, wanting to spread Christmas cheer not germs;-) and it was kinda nice....but I was remembering all we used to do, dinners and family and noise and life, and it made me sorta long for that too.....for realizing that amid Covid and then my divorce, both sorta came in and deconstructed my holiday.....making me examine it all, and wonder what it is I want to go back to moving forward????.....enjoying the quiet but loving our traditions of long ago....and last night as I carried the presents up from the basement.....by myself........it all felt really lonely.....for the first time in a long time......I have talked about loneliness in my blog a lot.....feeling grateful I don't feel it in my day to day......and not very often.......but every once in awhile it comes to find me.......and it is one of the toughest feelings to navigate when it does because there isn't anything to do about it......it just is.....and I had mentioned in yesterday's blog anticipating just that......playing Santa alone and having that particular act be so profound and sad, in a different way than normal.....and I was right......I would say last night I felt it more than I have in the last two years......so I sat with it.....acknowledged the loss of our family and this tradition.....while also knowing my holiday would have had less ease and peace, and been a little more difficult if he had been here too.....the forever line I walk between the grief and the gratitude for my new life and the peace I have found in it..it was really more the awareness of missing my parent partner for a time such as this.....I then refocused and focused on my blessings and the blessings we were given this holiday by way of Secret Santa.....just feeling so grateful........and knowing that this is all part of it.....the ebb and flow.....of my healing......and holidays.........and that nothing stays the same, even our holidays.....they have evolved over my whole life......as life has too.......and maybe they will in the future too.....maybe there isn't a way back.....back to what I was remembering......recreating that holiday space in my divorced life.....maybe I need to be looking forward to a completely new way.......a new holiday vibe entirely and embrace that too.....and I think that that may make the most sense to me of all....crafting a completely different way....not looking back for inspiration, only forward. Keeping the traditions I want and need in my life from long ago, and marrying them with a completely new way.....that is the conclusion I arrived at last night for next year, this year's holiday kinda snuck in and was here, not as much intention, and so far it has gone fine.....the softness and quietness sorta feeling perfect this year.....but next year I indeed want to become more intentional again with what happens again.....and embrace whatever place I am in then! Now for me that is the exciting thought......what my life could look like next Christmas and all the possibility that is found there! Have a good feeling about this year in every way and am excited to see what awaits and where the journey leads......As for today we are looking forward to enjoying some family, food, and fun....and embracing it all for the blessing that it is:) MERRY CHRISTMAS everybody, hope you spend the day with the people that make your heart and soul feel happy:)
jperuso
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