So yesterday I had written about my date being a solid one, a good one even....but I did not feel the flicker of chemistry between us, and I am guessing he didn't either, otherwise he would have asked me to continue the night at another place in downtown Scranton.....right?? We both felt very content to say good night.....with no promises of anything further.....so what is chemistry then? I am a very big believer in it, and I do not think you should settle for letting somebody grow on you, or wait around for it to arrive......I do believe that it may be found in natural situations, like working or hanging out with somebody, and your feelings grow and all of the sudden there it is......but most of the time I believe chemistry is one of those mystical and magical things that is either between two people or it isn't......and I believe it is important......obviously not the most important thing.....but up there.....the chemical connection is what draws you to somebody......or when it goes, keeps you at bay.....and I did not feel drawn to this guy Saturday.....and the truth is, in my life now.....I am in a position to wait for it......for all of it......for the things that I am seeking to arrive in an entire package.....not sacrificing anything......and I trust it and know I will know when it arrives.....I started to wonder if maybe at my age chemistry doesn't work like it used to lol:) like there is young folk chemistry and old folk chemistry lol:) but I polled a few dating folks in my age group and it does......so whew relief right?;-) And I am not talking about the chemistry that leads you to take your clothes off with somebody right away.....that is not what I am speaking to.....that can be a part of chemistry for some people, but for me it is that deep attraction, that undeniable place and feeling that tells you that you find somebody super attractive, in many ways, and your energies get each others in a very real and particular way.....the unspoken dance that happens.....and the pull and draw......but the voice that spoke to me as I left my solid date, knowing he wasn't somebody I would date again....another little voice had her say.....it is the voice in me that feels too much for the dating scene, and I don't say that in an arrogant way, in fact quite the opposite.....my feeling like I am "too much" at times has plagued me all of my life.....I have never been or felt simple.....I remember battling those thoughts as a child.....at a sleepover with a bunch of girls and feeling like I was alone.....like I was thinking and feeling too deeply about everything always......caring and seeing things nobody else did.....wanting to be curious and dig deeper about stuff that people didn't understand....and I guess as I grew I adapted and grew into my "too much" learning better how to manage and control it.....and make it more palatable to show the world.....and certainly my too much has elevated the last two years lol;-) but the difference now is, I am no longer apologizing for it, or no longer willing to shrink it or hide it away, to make other people more comfortable.....especially a love or lover in my life.....the person I seek has to get that part of me.....and allow me to be me.....and make me feel safe to stay authentic......and true to me, and see and accept all of me.....and sometimes I have a voice in my head that whispers to me and feels that may not be possible.....that no such man exists or will fill that desire.....that my "too much" stuff will keep me separated forever, from the things that I seek.......that the kind of man I seek is the equivalent of finding a unicorn in the woods, which Gilly and I keep trying to do lol:) now I know very clearly, as I said yesterday, that that voice lies.....and that I don't need to be subject to her lies;-) but I am being honest in the fact that that voice steps forward......and it takes strength in. my mind and faith in my heart to quiet it......and to know with certainty that what I want in a potential partner exists.....I have faith in what I cannot see.....and it is up to me to wait and be patient.....and never settle........never settle.......and wait for somebody that sees my "too much" and feels it is just right:)
jperuso
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