Chemistry.......

Such an elusive concept, or word right? Like what is it that attracts two souls to one another......makes it impossible for them to resist one another.......or draws their minds to one another? It is hard to explain it.....but you know when it is there and when it isn't........and it isn't based on how somebody looks.....whether they are attractive or not.....finding somebody attractive and having chemistry with them are two different things....and I suppose it can go in reverse as well....maybe not being so attracted to the outer human but that chemistry will still burn brightly......it is truly a mystery.....I have to say I have had my fair share of it in this life already....all of the men I chose to have a relationship with began in the lab LOL:). Nick and I had the strongest chemistry perhaps of all......I was destined not to resist him from the moment I met him.....we met one summer when we were 19.....and were instantly connected......had a romantic summer under the stars......till the wee hours of the morning.....then he moved.....and despite his moving and us parting ways.....the pull of him across the universe never left me......I told my college roommates I wanted to marry him one day.........and then flash forward 7 years later our paths cross again and ignite that same chemistry in a single moment......like it never left us both.....and essentially from that moment we were together for the rest of our story.......chemistry as I said is so hard to explain in a real sense.......hard to verbalize.......but when you are lucky to have it with another human it is captivating.....and such a gift.....two souls recognizing one another on nearly every level a human can.......that was one of my greatest fears when it came to Nick.....I was afraid that place between us would remain so strong that despite us breaking up, I would always miss him.......always have the pull that chemistry brings.....because despite our issues with one another, our chemistry stood the test of time, and saw us out of our marriage up till the bitter end.......but it turns out chemistry can be extinguished.......it can be destroyed also.......I have learned.......as emotional weight and horror takes its toll that phenomenon gets suffocated.....and the flame that burned burns out......having nowhere to breathe any longer.....which is such a blessing.......I am so grateful that is the way it works.....because I truly never thought that would happen between us.......and it makes the rest so much more manageable.....to have that chemistry that once burned inside of us fade into the abyss........vanish from this life......and as I move forward in my life I am seeking that kind of connection with somebody......a healthier connection in many ways than that of my marriage, but a healthy connection bearing that elusive, beautiful, and magical chemistry.......the whole deal or not at all......and either way is good......I am very aware of what I want, what I need, and what I don't........and the price I have paid for my freedom and peace was a high one......and I am honoring that by not settling in this life...........not settling for anything......