So throughout this pandemic I have tried my very best to protect us to the best of my ability. I have taken a leave from work, taking a huge pay cut......I have sacrificed nearly every bit of social interaction since it began, except to see some family, a friend here and there, and to go to work. I have had to make tough decisions at every turn. Knowing we all had to go to school, and letting go of some things that had to be, and just accepting that this is the world we live in for now....I will say my early feelings on COVID were definitely more fear based, based on conjecture.....and based on a lot of fear of the unknown.......it sort of consumed me early on, and it was really an uncomfortable place to live in......it felt like my marriage was spiraling out of control, and the world around me was too.......and I think that lack of control caused me to hold onto the COVID stuff more tightly......feeling as if I had control of whether it came to find us or not.....when we know that isn't really true......we can be super careful, play it as smart as we feel is right, and then........so my point in all of this is that Gabe is getting sick at the moment.....Mads has had a few mild colds since starting school but Gabe hasn't been sick since almost a year pre-COVID.....which has been amazing.....but he has a sore throat, some congestion and a fever beginning.....and obviously it is challenging me.....he has been my primary focus in terms of the sacrifices I have made.....but it is everywhere out there......no way to be helped it seems......so this morning as I type this I am proud of myself.....I am choosing to center myself not spin into conjecture......of what may or may not be....and perhaps it isn't COVID.....gosh I hope it isn't........ but I have prepared for this......I have a whole bunch of stuff in the house in the event of.....we have been taking vitamins for months like it is our job, gotten loads of fresh air, kept our bodies healthy..........but as a single mom this is kinda terrifying.....terrifying in the fact that if we all get really sick I am on my own to muscle through to take care of us all.....and it has been looming in the back of my mind all along since the pandemic began, but then the added spin of me being on my own to care for us was also there......summoning my brave......I feel like I am courageous enough and strong enough to step up to the task;-) I just did another little grocery order to pick up with some other stuff we may need over the coming days......I am going to meditate......workout......do all my things.....and I am not going to worry.....I have trusted EVERY single step of this journey.....so if this is the next one then it is.....and if he has some other crud then that is it too.....point is I can't control any of it.......I have done my best and all I have known how to do....and now......well.......I am giving it up:) Letting GO and letting GOD:) We have been immensely blessed and protected through all of this and I have been so grateful all along and still am.......I have all I need......my Christmas shopping is nearly done..... and I will figure out the rest as I always do. And maybe this is a cold or something else and not the big C, totally possible, he seems to be in good spirits and was up walking around etc....so who knows.....my point is whatever it is, will not prevent me from centering ME to endure whatever is ahead:) Center not conjecture:) Faith over fear every single day!
jperuso
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