Today will be a rough one......I am trying not to get too far ahead of myself but I would be foolish to not prepare some for what lies ahead.......we sit down at our lawyer's office today with our lawyers to hash out the particulars of our divorce and potentially end up being divorced officially......kind of a big deal......and I am not afraid......I mean I will be sitting down with three men and me;-).......but I do not feel intimidated......I am holding onto my truth.....my convictions......what I need to have happen today, to move forward, and care for my children well......but I am bracing myself some......knowing how emotional and difficult these things get.......the last mediation being an example of that.......so in preparation I did a lovely meditation last night......and I will do another one this morning to steady myself.....I will breathe......I will let the strength of my mind be stronger than my feelings......and I will hold out hope that it will be better than I imagine......that perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised......stranger things have happened, and I have learned in this process that the anticipation can be better in some cases......and I have learned that it can be worse.......so I am prepared......I have prayed.......so many prayers........praying for strength......for wisdom to come over this situation......for peace.......for what is right......what is just........just praying.....and God always hears my prayers and answers..........and guides me to the next step......he has been walking beside me in all of this very clearly.....very gently.......and today will be no different.......throughout this process I have tried to take every situation that has come.....every one that has challenged my strength, my will......and catch it and transform it into strength, and use it to drive me further into my new life, and into the places I want to go.....and today will be another opportunity for that.......there is no way around this......just through it.......and I will need to do that......the laws are unfair......wildly unfair.......you can do all the things that have been done to me, and still be entitled to quite a bit......and I plan on changing some of those laws in this lifetime......one part I feel particularly strongly about.......is that if somebody leaves somebody, with a child with special needs......one that will need care all of their life......that person needs to forfeit all of their marital assets......all of them.......they can walk away but they walk away without any of it........because there are women all over the country, and maybe some men too.......in the situation I am in......and I am not bitter at all about being the one to care for Gabe.....my commitment to him began when I looked into his little eyes 15 years ago......and I knew that I would do whatever I needed to, to keep him alive and help him thrive......and I have........and I was planning on being here for all of it, till the end of my days......but I didn't think I would be doing it alone.......so the things that I need to do today come from that commitment to Gabe......I have to fight for him......and for us........because it may end up being just the two of us someday.......and I need to be prepared to take care of him in the best way possible and I will....... today I am also taking him to the dentist to get his tooth fixed......and spending the day with him.......seems appropriate for me to be doing that, alongside the rest......and cementing my resolve for what lies ahead later......so I have some dreams to chase in this life, and some justice to deliver too........and I will do that too......helping future women like me have a different experience.......as for today I will steady myself.......lock into my strength........breathe......gather my self control.........keep an open mind..........and trust.......that whatever I need to face today will have an other side that is meant for me......faith over fear.......every single time........AND I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!!:)
jperuso
Comments