So in the finalizing of our divorce many things have stepped forward to be worked through on my part......letting go for the greater good.....keeping my eye on the things that matter of this world and letting go of the things that don't......but one part I truly struggle with is the law as it is now......it is appalling that somebody can do what has been done to me, and be entitled to so much??? It seems like it just could not be.......yet I have learned it is......one of the concessions I have had to make was how our divorce will read on paper......because of my choosing not to battle it in court, and absorb the negativity, and drag up the past to do so, it will read in our divorce that we had irreconcilable differences......not the fault divorce I originally sought that said the truth......the truth about the violation that befell my marriage and life.....but you see, I have learned, that even if I sought that, it gets me nowhere.....not in a real sense......and only contributes to my unhappiness.......so I have released it.....but how unfair right? It all made me think of wedding vows.....my wedding vows to him.....his to me......my vows mattered so deeply to me......I meant every word.......and would have upheld them all of my days.......and how deeply I believed in the words he wrote to me........but as I travel through this process.......I cannot help but wonder why we make such a big deal out of marriage??? Right?? Because in the end.......by law.......nobody cares.....nobody takes any of the violation of it all into account at all......not lawyers......not judges.....not anybody........it just doesn't matter in the eyes of the law........and it is shocking to me......shocks my sensibility.....my inherent sense of truth and justice......of honor........of loyalty..........of all of it.....but that shock and awe doesn't change the reality......so as with so much that has come to find me......my acceptance and releasing the things that I cannot change.......the things that would only serve to destroy or disrupt my peace.......the things I cannot control........and in that acceptance and release......I find peace and freedom........and the reality is that his actions may have escaped a legal consequence.......but that is where it ends......the effects of all of it are far reaching and lifelong for him I am afraid.......so what does it matter what is written in our divorce decree in a real sense, or what he has walked away with.......except in the spirit of truth and fairness............despite it all......... I have already written about fairness so much......and how the world just isn't.....and that if we try and quantify what is fair.....put it into clear words.....what is fairness anyway? What do any of us DESERVE......nothing right? We just don't.......even though it FEELS like we do.......We are all here doing our thing and finding our way......so if I allow myself to get swallowed up in the injustice of the things I have faced, I will never find my way out......just spin into oblivion and misery.......so I don't.........As I have said before......... I believe what has been just......and fair........is the freedom, happiness, and peace I have found on the other side.....the inspiration.....the drive........the passion......the fire in my soul.......the LIFE, and the gift of being wide awake now......and no court of law.......or decree can ever take any of those things from me......not ever........and neither can he.....
jperuso
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