I have talked about betrayal in my blogs all along......it is the main part of my story, the part that impacts me the most....... and it has many layers......and trying to eloquently describe the pain and suffering it brings.......when somebody you trusted more than any other human on the earth, does things to you that you can't believe.......it isn't so easy......and for me......in my story......there are several layers of betrayal that I have had to try and reconcile.......try and wrap my head around........and it has been coming up in my awareness.........trying to find its voice.......so I felt it deserved a look and a place to breathe...... I am not sure any of them hurt me as deeply as the first time.......I was in agony when I found out about his affair the first time......nearly three years ago.......the anniversary date upon me.........I NEVER would have expected that from him.......not EVER.......but prior to that I had had a hint of some inappropriate interaction between he and this girl......and I was assured that it wasn't anything to be concerned about.....and that rocked my world, even that small part....just the glint of betrayal.........then a month or so later the true nature of their affair came out.......and I read what had been happening.......and in that moment the world began to spin......my senses stopped.....my heart raced.....my whole life beginning to shatter......and it may as well have been a car accident......because it felt that way, surreal and intense in every way......I shook due to shock.......I cried for days......I had trouble functioning......and in that horror we decided to move forward to do all the things we needed to move forward......to put our sweet family together.........at that point I desperately wanted to save our marriage if we could.....and I thought he did too.....and so we moved forward in counseling......in effort.....in reconciliation......in all of it........or so I thought......but see betrayal is insidious.....even when you think it is gone it isn't......it looms heavily......clouding all your days.......all of your moments.....all of it........no matter how much you want to forget......but I really felt I was trying and that we were moving deeper into our real......deeper into intimacy.......deeper into finding a way beyond it all.......and I think for the person that betrays, it becomes easier to keep doing it.......once you do......the threshold is lowered......you can begin to rationalize much that isn't rational........so fast forward to last year this time I discovered that the affair had never ended....that for two years.......in good faith...... I was living a lie.......and I was devastated all over again.....another car accident......another boatload of shock and awe.....another ocean liner of pain and suffering.......and through a complicated chain of events we forged on a bit.........until he left in Jan........and the betrayal layers deepened........and in each moment I feel like I let a piece of him go......and even though in January when he left......and again my not seeing it coming despite all that had happened......hard to believe but true......deception is a funny thing.......hope is a funny thing......love and belief is too........another car accident.......the impact of the accidents grew slightly less each time......my soul learning how to absorb it and let it go better.....the first time will always remain the deepest for me.......but as I said in the beginning the layers keep coming......his final betrayal being the treatment of me since he has been gone......choosing to pacify another at the expense of me......choosing to continue to do things that betray who I was to him.......the woman that loved him fiercely......the woman that nursed him back from cancer......the woman who bore his children.....the woman who was fiercely loyal to him in every way for 20 years of her life.........yes that woman.....he continues to sacrifice that woman and all her feelings.......for the other woman.....and I say none of this as an attempt to bash him or to have anybody feel sorry for me..........it is just the reality for me at the moment.........and there are reasons he is doing what he is.......but it doesn't make it any less palpable..............this story shines a light on betrayal and how it keeps coming for most women.....my story is not unique........many women experience all the things I have......or men......and betraying somebody should never be taken lightly......it is such a deep cut to inflict on somebody you love.......and it never leaves......moments wash over that still bring disbelief that he could have done any of this to me.......that it was even possible at all.......that the man that exists in him was one I never knew was there all these years.....and there are reasons we found our way here.......ones that break my heart for him..... for me......for all of us........ones that make me feel deep compassion for what led us here........but that does not diminish the free will we all have to do the right thing.....to choose not to hurt those we love, even in our brokenness......or the ability to hurt the people we love so so deeply it will stay with them all of their days.......we have choices.........and unfortunately his choices will carry consequences all of his days......so in the weight of betrayal.....most days......I choose to hang onto the days before the last three years......to carry the light of he and I......the days that made more sense.....the days where the man he was......was one of honesty and integrity......that is the man I will carry in my heart......and I will work through forgiving the man that is here now......for all of it.......someday........but still not today........
jperuso
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