Us Taurean folks hold truth, honesty, and loyalty perhaps above all else when it comes to our relationships in this life.....family, friends, spouses, lovers, everybody gets held to that same standard......somebody not displaying those qualities doesn't get an invite into our sandbox......or isn't allowed to stay there if they slip by us........so for me to be here is particularly ironic, and doubly shocking...... and I am thinking it is why it cut me so deeply....cut me to the quick....to the core of my soul.....and all I hold dear.....about myself, about my life, about all of it........we all have a certain set of "standards" and "must haves" in our lives that come from who we are, who we are deep in our souls......and we expect those that love us to honor "our code".....on our wedding day the videographer asked each of us what we love most about the other person.....his answer was that I was beautiful inside and out and that he loved the way I loved everybody, and he loved that I did whatever I needed for those that I love.........I think I can say that that is still true to this day.....that I am still that person........nearly 15 years later......you know what mine was????........mine was that he was one of the best people I had ever known and he was 100% trustworthy......ouch right?:( YIKES!!!! Damn! The irony is not lost on me at all........You know what though on that day long ago, it was 100% true...... and I had adored that part of him, I had had my heart hurt before him deeply and he felt like a breath of fresh air to me, like oxygen........and I felt like he had my back in all things.....and he did for most of our time together in this life, of that I am fairly certain...... until he didn't.........and so the betrayal washes over me, over and over again......like a sucker punch to my stomach......like a slap in the face......like a bad dream....like a bad movie...............like it can't possibly be true....did you hear what I said on my wedding day about him???? Don't you know who he is??? Didn't you know that "my person" would never do such a thing to me, not ever, no matter what.......don't you know that?????????.......but he did........ sigh............and continues to betray me in the process we are traveling now.........so it is one of those lessons I suppose.....NEVER SAY NEVER.....never think something can't or won't happen to you.......I guess we can all find ourselves in painful spots, ones we never thought we would be in.....ones that violate our "life code" even when we think we have avoided it somehow.....kept "those people" out of our sandbox.....only to find we married one.........I have learned in the last two months that perhaps you can never really know a person, maybe ever.....maybe not ever know what lies beneath.....what they hide from the world......what they are capable of when they break.......and maybe that is a truth you have to learn to accept.....because I am not sorry that all those years ago that I took a risk, took a chance on love......beautiful sweet love.....Nick and Jenn love..........a love that nourished my soul for a good part of my life so far.....I am blessed to have loved like that in my lifetime.....some people never experience it.... and I am grateful, so grateful.......and maybe that blessing will find me again.........I won't let what has happened make me jaded, make me feel like I won't leap again....... but it will make me wiser.....wiser about who gets invited in my sandbox from here on out......of that I am sure........
jperuso
Comments