Grief is such a strange process........it is not linear.....just swirling about us......bubbling as it needs to......and betrayal is just such a tough thing.....it has been awhile since I have written about it.....but it is.....most times it is in its place......but every day I carry the weight of having the person I trusted most on this earth betray me in the deepest of ways......and sometimes I am just not sure where to put that?? And maybe it is because my brain seeks to understand.....to reason......to make sense of something that doesn't make any sense at all.....I dreamt again last night about it some......and I was telling a realtor that I would have laid down a million dollars that my husband would never have cheated on me......funny right?? Because I have said that many times while awake.......aware with all of my being that that was not on my radar to fear......not a possibility......not anything that could come and touch my life......and yet.......and when you betray somebody, you attempt to rob a person of so many things.......their peace, their trust in this life, their sense of themselves, and all they hold dear.....and it is a daily process for me to overcome all of that and persist.......and live a happy life......I make deliberate choices and choose healing over and over again to not get swept up in its under toe.......but it doesn't make it any less real.........or huge.......or deep....or challenging.........what he did changed me........forever........and hurt me in the deepest parts of my soul.....true story.......and a year and a half later I am grateful for how much road I have traveled between that event and the here and now.....and the space and time has helped.....and the things I have done have helped.....and the clarity that has come about it all and my marriage has helped......and so much has helped.......but under those grief bubbles that come to find me is that betrayal......and my fervent prayer is that one day I will safe in this world again with another human.......knowing that there isn't anything that they would do to betray me, no matter what.......but I also know there are no guarantees......and that nobody can take anything that isn't truly yours.......and it is in the hanging on that we suffer.....we cannot cage ourselves or other people......people have to be free to make their own decisions, and we have to decide if we can impart trust to them or not, or if we wish to do that at all......I am guessing this betrayal will walk beside me for the rest of my life to some degree......that in one moment a bubble will coming bringing the shock and awe that I carry with it.......that is really the hardest, the shock I feel at what he did.......it will never leave me......never.....so as I journey I will honor its voice......give it room to be heard.....and acknowledge its existence.......I didn't choose it, it came uninvited.......and I will continue to use it to drive me to help others, and be able to deeply empathize with what they have been through......helping them be heard and seen and validated in their bubbles too.......I will not let it jade me though.......I believe in love.........I believe in truth.......I believe loyalty and honor exist........I believe in all of that and so much more......and I believe somewhere out there it waits for me too:)
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