So over the last nearly year I have been single.....my divorce is not final......but as far as I am concerned that doesn't make me any less single......he broke our vows, not me and I am not beholden to waiting until that becomes official to feel free.......however I have been cautious with my freedom.....knowing it is a powerful thing and learning what I am comfortable with and what I am not......I have to say......I kind of like it.....much more than I would have ever thought I could, or more than I wanted to......part of me is a fiercely independent creature.....and maybe too much.....it is something I am examining in me and working on balancing.......being this way has served me really well.....relying on me, knowing that I have my own back.....and that I can accomplish all the things that I used to in my partnership, alone......it feels super powerful.....and gives me great confidence.....but the truth is I may need to learn.....one day.....to share my life potentially with another person, and let myself lean into another......and when that time comes it won't be easy for sure.....it wasn't easy in my marriage, I did not feel like I could really lean in and know the other person would catch me if I let go of any of my responsibilities......so my guard was always up to some degree......it will become easier if I find another human as steady and reliable as me......that will help me be able to believe I can let go, and trust that somebody will catch me.....but for now I am really enjoying being single......truly.....I like not needing to clear so much of my life with another person.....or keeping another in mind when making so many decision about life.....what will we eat, watch, do for entertainment etc.....none of those questions get filtered through resistance anymore, or through a lens of not having a true partner and I am free to do what I want or what I feel makes sense for us.......we can take off on adventures without anything clouding it in any way.....the kids and I have always been pretty independent, doing our own thing, while he worked too much......or I guess had his affair too.....we started just doing......not waiting around anymore.....so it isn't that different except that I don't have to feel a loss when we do it anymore.....I used to wish he would come places or want to come so often........and it felt heavy.....now I don't.....we have a grand ole time and the absence of him is no longer felt in our adventures.....I do miss male energy though.....companionship.......intimacy......a lot of male sorts of things.....and every once in awhile it builds to a point where it feels like a lot......but then it settles again and I learn to really enjoy my life as it is in this moment.....the freedom.....the exciting part of charting my path......making my way! It feels really incredible......with no restrictions....no limits......and now I can see how it can become dangerously comfortable quick.....and that the older you get the harder it will be to share a life......but not impossible:) Nothing is impossible....and only the right things will make their way into my heart and my life......I know that now......I am sending clear energy into the world, into the Universe, that is truly aligned with who I am, and how I want to show up in this life finally......so I have faith that energy will be mirrored right back in a potential partner....:) No worries......in the meantime I will enjoy being single.....as a grown up and explore and enjoy all it has to offer me:)
jperuso
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