So as most everybody knows, May is Williams Syndrome Awareness month.......and I thought it fitting to write about being Gabe's mom......Nearly 16 years ago I was so excited to get pregnant with him......and looked so forward to becoming a mom......and initially things seemed smooth, and then I had one doctor's appointment for an ultrasound that alerted everybody that there may be an issue.......Gabe was growing behind his gestation......measuring smaller than he should have been at 26 weeks......so it sent us into a time of uncertainty, and wondering, and eventually knowing that Gabe would arrive early in this world.....and I prayed I would make it to 32 weeks......that is the magic gestational week.....and I did.......he was born at 32 weeks......2lbs 10 ounces......and scrappy as hell:) He was a fighter from the beginning......strong......tiny but mighty......and having him born prematurely brought me to my knees......quite literally........a hugely transformative experience, similar to the one I just went through in a lot of ways.......pushing me and challenging me in the most uncomfortable of ways.......I lived alone for 5 weeks on the maternity floor.....with mothers who were having healthy babies.......I passed them all in the hall, while I went to the NICU to sit with my baby......a baby that was challenging to hold because he would stop breathing and turn blue......and a a baby that was poked and prodded endlessly......I would walk into the NICU and hear him screaming.......because they were changing his IV, and soon I would be reduced to tears......just so many tears......and just gut gripping fear........but God always sends angels.......and the NICU nurses and I became so close........another NICU mom named Cathy was my ride or die girl........and a wonderful social worker.......all rallying around me, in between my visits from family and friends, and Nick coming every night to be with us........and it ended up being a sorta magical time too......I learned a lot and I began to learn how to be Gabe's mom and what that would mean.......that it would require bravery.........and strength......and patience........and faith........and persistence.......and grace......and so much of me.....and in return I would get so much too......such profound gifts........and for the first year and a half I was pushed to my absolute breaking point......he was so colicky.....never slept........had so many specialist appointments that I went to alone.......so many procedures........so much of so much.......I felt like I was drowning.......or may drown...........and I had to learn to find a place in me that could survive it......and I did my best......find a calm in me inside the storm......and then along the way things shifted some......I understood as I have through my divorce.........that the storm of having Gabe did not come to break me.......it came to transform me in the ways I needed to be transformed......it came to force me to find the gifts.......look for the rainbows........accept what is......not fight it.......understand that everybody's journey is different......and that having a special needs child is a journey like no other......selfless in ways that are hard to articulate......but every single day it is one that is wildly blessed.........I am so so fortunate to have been given the opportunity to be Gabe's mom........It is a gift that is never lost on me......and he has taught me so much in the last 15 plus years......and his light shines brightly in my life every single day, and the lives of everybody around him.......every single day of his precious life is a gift not lost on me because it is a life he fought fiercely to have......teaching me how to be a fierce fighter too! :)
jperuso
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