I was sharing this story recently and I thought it would be fun to share in my blog....it is a nice reminder of the kindness we can find in the world.....when we need it the most.....it was after I had had Gabe.....I had spent 5 weeks in the NICU with him.....I was living in the hospital, not as a patient.....but as a mother to a NICU baby, and I was able to stay there for free.....what a lovely gift.....I only had to give up the hospital room I was given once, for a couple of nights when the maternity ward was too full....but otherwise I was living like a phantom, in the hospital......on the fringe of all that went on there....and those 5 weeks were some of the hardest of my life.....it was so hard to be there and watch Gabe fight so hard....and all of the medical things that I had to learn overwhelmed me.....and it used to kill me to watch them change his IV, I would end up in tears every time as he cried......my fragile post baby having state, just having had a c-section, and I was challenged immensely by all of it.....your primal and natural inclination is to have the baby you just brought into the world right by you.....you ache for that with every part of yourself, and to have the barrier of the wires and the isolette between us, it was so challenging.....and hurt my heart.....I would go and sit in his room for hours.....just watching him.....and holding him finally when I was able.....which was days after I had him.....which was was also so hard too....so for me leaving the NICU was a goal that I could not wait for.....naively believing it would be "easier" for us.....when we got home to navigate it all....and so it was time to leave....and my ex and I spent a harrowing night in the NICU caring for our little baby solo.....preparing us for bringing him home....and it was hard....Gabe was up most of the night and we were learning so much....as new parents, and parents to a premature baby.....so the day had arrived....Gabe was coming home, and he was only a little over 4 pounds....and he was coming home on an apnea monitor....which was a blessing truly....the leads were attached to his chest, and if he had an apnea episode while awake or asleep....it would alarm, and I would know it, and be able to intervene....often during these episodes he would stop breathing....so having him on it gave me the peace of mind I needed to get any sleep at all.....and sleep was not something I got a lot of that first year...... he needed to stay on the monitor 24/7....I would travel to the apnea clinic in Scranton once a month to check his monitor and what it recorded, and check on when he could come off of it.....and "easy" never found me.....my life soon became a blur of specialist appointments to monitor all things Gabe....and it was overwhelming....in every way....and what was more overwhelming was doing it alone....my parents were working....and my ex didn't get paid if he didn't work at the time....and we needed the money, so it was on me.....and the first time I took him to the pediatrician I was overwhelmed.....I was taking him for his first check up outside of the NICU....and certain nobody should be trusting me with the care of such a fragile baby....and I got through the appointment.....and I came out.....carrying the carseat....the diaper bag.....the apnea monitor....and my tiny boy.....and as I was walking I stepped on the wire that attached his lead to his machine....and when that happened it would siren.....and so it did....and I was frantically trying to get it reconnected in a crowded waiting room of people.....and the secretary peered out of her window and said......"Are you alright honey, do you need help?" And in one moment all of what I had been holding in broke free....and I started sobbing, saying I am not alright, this is so much....and I proceeded to have a mini meltdown right there on the spot.....and she just came out of her little office space and wrapped her arms around me while I let it all flow......and then helped me pick it all up and move along....and it was such a beautiful expression of compassion and understanding and so many other things.....I was so grateful to her and will never forget her.....It was the space I needed that day to break.....and be heard and seen.....she was an earth angel indeed.....I have been so blessed along the way to have met so many of them:)
jperuso
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