I wrote yesterday about the anxiety disorder I had in my 20s that gripped my life....and it did.....it was a force....and just when I got my life back, and was sailing along.....had reconnected with my ex husband, we had dated for a summer when I was 19 and then did not reconnect till my 20s...... and I was starting my new life....my sister passed away in a car accident....and I think the people in my life were scared that my anxiety disorder would make a repeat appearance.....but it didn't......and when I think on that, I think I can chalk it up to the tools, and the things I had learned then.....using all the things in my arsenal to keep the space I had found on the other side of that.....and I did.....I did go back to therapy though as a preventative measure.....because losing my sister stirred in me some fear of losing the people I love suddenly.....the shock of losing somebody that way is challenging.....it really rattles your cage, and makes it hard to comprehend.....they are there one second, and then gone......and I have been blessed along the way with great therapists to help at different phases of my life....and I don't believe there should be shame in therapy and getting help for the challenges of life......life is complicated and tough in so many ways, and all of the therapy I have done in this life has really served me well.....I haven't needed to go in quite sometime.....but I can always reach out to mine when I need or if I need.....and his help has been priceless.......so once you learn the skills to navigate it you cannot go back....and when I was in the throes of anxiety, I hit low spots that really did not have any other way but up......and as I believe with all of it.....that part of my journey was meant to be, and invaluable to my experience here......it was a place that showed me contrast, and how I did not want to live......showing me something that I needed to overcome.....and I did.....it also showed me the power of our mind.....but not the good kind;-) I have learned the power of my mind in this chapter too....but the good ways I can use my mind to overcome.....then it was the power of my mind that left me wrestling with it......like a giant monster that came to attack me, and I had to overcome it, and beat it into submission......keep it from attacking me.....and keep it in its place.....and there was power in that.....I remember that time vividly, and feeling really empowered after overcoming that......clawing and fighting for my life back.....a theme in my life for sure....and not succumbing to the darkness......and sitting here this morning, having harnessed the power of my mind, and being free of anxiety and fear feels amazing.....having remembered that time period.....and I always wonder the source of anxiety in people......are they wired that way? Is it stuff from childhood? Is it a personality type? Is it genetic? Is it.......and I think maybe it is a combination......but part of it is the chemicals we invite into our body.....I think that is why exercise has spoken to me so deeply.....realizing that I have so much power in the feel good chemicals I create within my body, and how they keep me centered and mostly happy.....I had a student tell me the other day that I have happy energy.....and it touched my heart to hear:) I do my best....:) I do not fear my anxiety ever coming back.....I know it is gone for good.....I won the battle all those years ago, and have done what I needed to maintain my victory......and there are a couple of courses I want to write, video courses, some ideas percolating...... and this has been one that had nudged at me too....so it may just find a way....I have made peace with that part of my life all those years ago.....and feeling grateful for that time, as I learned a lot and it was the first time I met the warrior that lives within.....and gosh I am grateful for her, she has gotten me through so much indeed, every single version of her....... xoxo.......Happy Thursday!
jperuso
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