I feel a moment looming around me.......circling my heart.......my life......and it is one I am more than ready for.......but it is still a moment.......one that will come bringing its own set of challenges........of pain.......of finality........and once I pass that moment.......I feel there will be relief......it will be over.....truly over......a period at the end of the sentence......and I will be officially divorced.......free to reclaim my name.....forging ahead legally as Jennifer Pearce:)......and it will be bittersweet indeed.......divorce is like a funeral for your marriage.....laying to rest something that you once held dear.......once was so important and precious.......but has now passed away, and needs to make its way to its final resting place.......and I must reconcile where to put that as it all truly ends.......how to lie it down......where to put it.....I have battled this entire year on how to grieve my marriage under the ugliness of the end......and as my hindsight takes hold......not wanting to diminish it, disregard it........or not honor its space and purpose in this life......or the good stuff......but that is not always easy to do as I wrestle with it all.......deciding what to take with me and what to leave behind.......forever........what part was real and honest and what wasn't......and sometimes that is not easy at all......wrought with deep complications for me in my heart and soul.......and so now as we approach the final act of our marriage.......the finish line truly........closing that curtain for good........no encores.......and I prepare to step on the other side, I am bracing myself........knowing that despite my healing a great deal and my heart mending.......and my love waning into oblivion.......it is still gonna hurt like hell........as I sign on the dotted line.......I know that.........can already feel the wave waiting to come........and as the wave comes......I will ride it.........I will lie back and float.......look up at the stars and the moon.......take a deep breath.......close my eyes.......and take a moment to thank my marriage for what it brought into my life.......what lessons it came bearing.......for the beautiful and perfect children I get to have in this life........for the love I once shared once upon a time......for the portal it created for me to step through......so I can be free to be who I came here to be.......and just like the rest of the milestones divorce has come bringing......this will be no different.....and maybe even a little better on the other side.......because it will finally be over......truly.......I haven't felt married since the moment he left......I have already felt our divorce clearly in my heart from the beginning of this......but there is something to be said for the legally done part being complete.......so as I prepare my heart and mind for the big day......that is on the horizon......I will continue to seek the answers found in the quiet of my heart and mind......the answers that tell me where to put this.......where to lie it down to rest in peace......where to leave it now forever.......and I trust that the wisdom of my soul and intuition will guide me........and God's grace.......and my strength......and I will bid the life we shared farewell.......as I turn and walk into the future I have already created for myself.....flashing the peace sign as I go.........
jperuso
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