I have learned that anger is the cheapest of emotions.......maybe alongside fear.......covering up the real stuff and giving you an easy out......and the truth is since all of this has happened I could have let anger consume me.....like swallow me whole.......and I do my best most days to get in touch with what I am really feeling.......or what is really arising in me.......not giving in to anger and spiraling down a futile rabbit hole.......but it becomes more challenging when I am dealing with my children and their suffering.....it does bring up anger toward their dad, and all the decisions and choices he made for our family.......ones that he still doesn't have to accept any ownership of........ones that have profoundly affected our kids and myself, and the three of us stand in the broken pieces while he faces none of it.......not in a real sense......my kids still sparing him so much of what they think and feel, for fear of hurting his feelings.....which is so darn sweet and kind.......... but damn........and sometimes it feels like since he left I have been left carrying bag after bag.......sometimes more unpleasant than the last......feeling the weight of it all, choices I didn't make, resting on the back of my shoulders......and it is unfair.....plain and simple.......another thing I try hard not to get caught up in......and maybe I don't entertain those things too far because it is what it is.......I have accepted the things he has done a long time ago now.......been grateful for them almost, as I get to live this life now.....and speak and own my truth in the world......that the horror of his choices set me free......in the truest sense........so the idea of rolling around in anger and fury is not helpful......but sometimes it flashes and I feel it......deep within me......and I let it come.....let it exist there in that moment.......sometimes speak out loud to him, if I am alone.......say what I would if I could.......and in those moments when the anger comes.......for what our kids are suffering from, and I feel alone in it.......it feels stark.......barren......wide open......and overwhelming.......because like so much of this journey, if it is to be.......it is up to me......the day to day magnitude and responsibility resting squarely on my shoulders......the daily juggle of who needs to be where, and how.......and when some things throw that off.....the challenge in solving it all......and when you have a two person life those things are much easier.....the support is there......the help in the problem solving.......all of it......and sometimes it all feels heavy.....and yes makes me angry......angry at him......angry at cleaning up his mess still, two years later......and likely for the forseeable future.....a mess I didn't choose......a mess I didn't make........but one that affects my life every single day.......so I am honoring the anger bubbles.......letting them feel heard and seen......and then I will transmute them......like I have with the rest, and use them as fuel to propel us forward in this story and overcome whatever comes our way.........
jperuso
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