The dream......again......the most powerful of them all this time.......the most vivid......I was up at 4 today and decided to fall back to sleep for a bit.....summer schedule is kinda great;-) So I fell back into a quick deep sleep....... and awoke from that dream.....the one that haunts me........I haven't had it in a long time, and it is always different but the point is the same........I get to say my peace/piece to him.......and he listens and gets it......validates it.......this time we were at some house party.......our kids were there too but playing off with other kids......and somehow it ended up just being he and I......and we started talking.....and it is fuzzy, some of it......but some of it is crystal clear.......one of the things I said was..... "what you did to me was not minor, not like breaking up with a girlfriend, it is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life, the trauma of it all runs so deep"......and through the back and forth I was able to get through to him by my words.....causing us both to cry.....breaking us both down...........hugging one another and him apologizing over and over from a very sincere but broken place......I asked him about some other things I have wanted to know.........and then I woke up......and it is so curious where it came from this morning......he has not been on my mind......certainly my fantasy conversation and apology, I feel I so deserve, has long since gone by the wayside......along with my understanding that it may not happen in this life......so where does such a powerful dream come from on an early Thursday morning........wrought with such intensity and such vivid pieces???? I cannot even remember the last time I had a version of this dream......but I would wager it has been months.......and each time there is some satisfaction in it.......but then a ton of dissatisfaction........because of its vivid nature, I become keenly aware of the healing power that such a conversation could bring to us.......to me......and to our new relationship as Gabe and Madeline's mom and dad.......and truthfully when I have this dream I see the power in it for him too......the ability for him to shed some of his guilt and shame, and let some of it go.......now some of it is likely not accurate.....it his old him that is in my dream or some version of him that I am truly still not sure I ever knew......or existed.......the mystery of that still ever present......like who were you?????? REALLY????? that goes round and round in me endlessly and likely will all of my days......because my version of him would not have been capable of any of it.......so I am forever reconciling that.......but the dream version of us.......the place we once occupied.......comes forward and seems so familiar......real even........and a place for true healing.......and maybe these dreams on repeat, every few months, are enough to get me there........a good enough substitute for such a talk.....a talk we really should have had......should have.......but one that I am still not sure will ever help in the ways that I think.....because there is another part of me that feels that there is nothing he could say to me that could remotely make up for all that has been done to me............so.........but I may be wrong......because inside that dream space, where sometimes I feel it is so strong he must be dreaming it too;-) lol:) Like a visit of our spirits.........but in that dream space it feels like healing.......it feels cathartic.......and it feels like part of my healing journey......and for today that is enough........
jperuso
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