#addicted

The friend and I that got together this weekend were talking about addiction, and how it becomes so destructive in people's lives.....and how hard it is to understand if you have never been in active addiction to anything......once upon a time I smoked cigarettes.....I know kinda hard to believe right, lol:) Kinda hard for me to believe now......I quit nearly 20 years ago........and I suppose it was the only thing I was truly addicted to......it became very apparent when I tried to quit, how dependent I had become on them......but I did it......feeling proud of breaking free......and now in this part of my life I feel kinda addicted to things that make me feel good......but in a positive way.....good habits.....not bad ones......and I suppose it could fall in the "addicted' category.....I think it is mostly a way to compensate for the free fall that has overtaken my life......going from a pretty predictable life for the most part.....marriage and family, and the daily mundane and special.....to a life that is unchartered, and carries uncertainty around every corner.......so to anchor myself I focus on the things I can control.......my fitness......I decide to work out every single day......lately trying to take Sundays off;-) I decide to meditate and write every day.......to choose control over my actions in that moment.....and maybe as I type this, and think of it, those things are a tangible representation of my old anxiety, and my need to feel in control, and how it has been transmuted......transformed some.......and I now realize that those traits in me came from very valid things, things that took place in my life, and in my marriage, and made me cling to a false sense of control over the mundane.......or anything really.......igniting something in me that felt really uncomfortable, and that I didn't like......my personality has become more open, lighter and more peaceful, and much less stressed. I don't need to hang onto any of those things anymore to feel safe.....I lean back and float and trust.......but I am guessing the self discipline I have found, has arrived as an elevated version of that part of me......I have always had self discipline.........but I am for sure more self disciplined than I have ever been now.....but I don't think in a rigid way, if that makes sense? Like the most self disciplined way, but in a fluid free flowing kinda way, you know what I mean???....and maybe it is the spirit and intention that changes that......I remember clinging to stuff and feeling grumpy and on edge......having low level anxiety about so much playing in the background of every part of my life.......feeling agitated at its presence.............which can make you feel awful......now my need to control those things in my life comes from a free place.....a place that knows it is so important for me to move my body, and my mind the way I do each day......and use those old skills for good now......but I guess I am addicted to feeling good....:) Unapologetically following the good feels......and realizing if something is making me feel bad........it isn't for me.......catching myself, before a rabbit hole opens.......knowing that what is for me, will make itself clear......and will come carrying all the good stuff......many times in my old life I felt like I was banging my head up against a wall.....so much resistance in so many places.....and had I known what I do now, I would have realized that was my cue......my cue to free myself........but I didn't know......so the universe and God had to make it so obvious, so much louder, so that I clearly got the message.......so now I know I need to heed those softer nudges before they become louder and harsher.......and pay attention to the things and people in my life, and follow the ones that pour the way I pour, and are in line with the places I want to go each day:)