Was thinking of this the other day.....feeling this piece in my heart.....that I was abandoned by my husband.......and essentially so were our children in many ways......and I guess I don't or haven't thought of it often because I am plenty strong to take care of myself and my children now......but technically it is abandonment nonetheless......and it is kind of a heavy thing to endure or to think about.....the idea that a person......"your person"......would not only betray you deeply, but then walk out on you too......leaving you there to pick up the pieces......and I have said it many times, he will NEVER truly understand the weight of what he has done......the REAL weight of it......the PAIN, the SUFFERING all of it......and that still feels really unfair to me.....I am not caught up in it.....but the lack of fairness stays with me......I am always grateful to be where I am now......with distance in between....during all the initial nights of suffering.....I would lie in my bed and hope for these days.....pray out loud desperately for them........the days when the pain would subside and allow me to catch my breath.......but it doesn't diminish what has been done......I am certain he doesn't see it this way......has a narrative all his own spun on what happened.....but I guess if you aren't the one left you really wouldn't "get it".....in the beginning I felt like a discarded piece of trash.....I knew it wasn't the truth but it was how it FELT.......as insignificant as a discarded paper towel......that my worth didn't matter a bit to him.....and it made me feel really low in the beginning......and in different ways...........and in working through those feelings I know now that it isn't the truth......not even close......his abandoning me wasn't about me.......it never is about the person being abandoned.......it is about the person doing the abandoning........I have never been abandoned by anybody in all my life.....not even close......I was raised in a family that has your back no matter what.....and steps up every single time.....I was raised to understand that you do the same.....and my loyalty and fierce protection of those I have loved in my life has most definitely kept me in situations I should not have stayed in.......being fiercely loyal may be my deepest character trait.......so it is so hard for me to understand a person that isn't......not even a little bit.......seems so strange to me.....to lack that space where you honor the people in your life that love you......your people.......no matter what.......and as I have said before......that could have occurred even if he didn't want to be married to me anymore.....he could have found a way to do it with dignity and grace....and continue to be a good human to all of us....and that wasn't the choice that was made......so in one night I got left, holding all the bags......all the house stuff......all our children stuff......all my own emotional stuff......all their emotional stuff......all the weight of putting it all back together and cleaning up his mess......and I have......and what I have created now is far more beautiful than what was.....I know that now too......and even being abandoned has become my blessing.....because I never see it in those terms.....never using that word in my mind.........I prefer to think of it as being set FREE......he didn't abandon me.......he SET ME FREE:) Every bit of our lives lies in our perspective.......and I may not have much control in my life anymore, in any direction.....but I sure have control in what attitude I choose and the language I use in my mind and my heart.....so POWERFUL.......and for me I am replacing abandonment.......with FREEDOM:)
jperuso
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