My husband left me.....just walked out, got into his truck and pulled out of the driveway to live his best life......and the devastation was vast......it was deep and profound and I really did not think I would survive it.....I remember the pain being so excruciating that I just wanted a rest from it......a way to numb it somehow.......a way to dull it.....and no relief was found.....the only way was through it......to find enough courage to stand in it and face it.......and then move through it......and somehow I was able to do that......and when I think of that night I am reminded of the woman I was that night......she was so different than the one I am now......she believed in different things.....in him......in the greater good, and that that greater good may need to be achieved at the sacrifice of her......not realizing that by seeking his best life.....he was truly giving her the gift of her best life........truth is if she and I had talked back then I would have told her to send him packing sooner than that night.....much sooner......t he Jenn of today would be having none of what she did back then........I would have told her that she deserved much more than she was getting in those final years of her marriage....under the cloud of his affair.....she was worth so much more.....she just didn't realize it.......and she tried so so hard......so hard to hang on.......and the fallout of it brought her to her knees in every sense......and my heart aches a little for the woman I was.....I cringe a little sometimes.....I mean I try not to be so hard on myself because I was only able to do my best then.....the only best I knew how to do....and that is all we can do in our human experience......until we know better....and then we get to do better......:) So this day will always be a celebrated one in my heart......not one that will come with sadness.....not one that will remind me of what is lacking in me, by his lack of understanding of my value or of who I was to him.....never that......it will be a day that will be remembered as the catalyst to my finding my value in this life......and being the one that needed to love me.....and finding ways to do that.....I absolutely believe that deep pain can be the greatest catalyst to change.......maybe the greatest catalyst there is.....it is in the moments when we are so broken that we have no choice but to look within to survive it......getting gritty with ourselves and finding our way........relying on our inner strength, our faith, our hope to find our way out of the darkness and into the light.....the first night he left it was so dark......I lied there for hours in my bedroom, sobbing and staring at the ceiling wondering how I would find my way.....not being able to see ahead in a real way.....not being able to see past the tsunami of pain I was swimming in........wondering how he could leave.....how he could possibly pull out of our driveway and leave all of us behind......but those musings didn't last long, I started to understand pretty early on some of the answers to those questions.....and saw a new man emerge.....one I have known clearly from that moment on is not my man.......so using that awareness as a life raft to help me move myself beyond that place and back into the light......It is humbling to be left by somebody you loved and trusted deeply.....that lesson will stay with me forever.......never say never right? But the greater lesson that I will carry with me is the one where I know I am strong enough to face whatever comes in this life.....and that ultimately my faith and myself are the only things that can be relied on in this life......and I trust both of them with every fiber of my being......neither have steered me wrong! I am excited to be walking into a new year.....and leaving a year behind that he did not walk in with me.....putting that part of my life further behind......and just looking ahead to whatever magic lies ahead:)
jperuso
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