I have likened grieving and healing to whale watching.....the whale living beneath our surface...peaceful even.....just swimming in the depths of our souls.....and then every once in awhile that whale surfaces, and blasts its blowhole above board, and makes its presence known......and I think as I begin to date, for real.....that is going to happen more often as I navigate making peace with the demons it brings to the surface......and I am here for it....knowing it is a must if I want to conquer this part of my life too.....but something pretty painful and profound came to me this week.....betrayal carries many layers for me in this story.....it was the betrayal of our marriage, and our vows, it was the betrayal of who I believed we were to each other.....who I believed HE was......it was the betrayal of the pact we had made when we had Gabe, and supporting each other in that journey of special needs.....it was the betrayal of our family.....it was the betrayal in the aftermath and the continued disrespectful treatment of me......the endless lies.....but another betrayal stepped forward to feel and heal through......and it was his willingness....or his lack of care in casting me into the world on my own.....to navigate dating.....and all of it.....never once considering any of the challenge in that for me......or what that looks like, with OUR children in tow, and living in the aftermath of what he had done...... leaving me to navigate that, and never looking back or caring one bit about it......about my happiness one day, or my own fulfillment.....I mean a part of him I think did believe I deserved more....and he said that as much that night.....that I deserved better than him.....and that I would find that......and I agree......on both accounts.....and I feel plenty strong, and able bodied, and capable of navigating all of this....and have.....so my writing about this today doesn't come from my perspective so much in it.....not in a real sense.....or feeling small and lonely in the world and scared.....not at all......my writing about it comes from his part in that.....and his lack of loyalty or care in that regard......not worried a bit about his family living on their own.....my being on my own with our kids.....living in this house, maintaining this house on my own.....none of it......just no concern at all......and wow, right??? It kinda hit me like a gut punch this week.....at how after 20 years I could mean so little to him.......and in that space of the whale making its appearance known.....I am also immediately aware that none of it has anything to do with me.....and that all of those actions are a direct reflection of the internal struggle that takes place inside of his whale.....and keeping his whale at bay.....and I get that.....fully.....I really do....but still that awareness touched down and stung some....it did........and anytime any of it comes calling......I am committed to looking at it.....listening to it and healing beyond it......and I guess it all came up in the same line as my not feeling cared for in so many ways in my life.....and the realization of how long it has been.....and being the one left to care for me.....being too independent.....too strong....too......you get the idea......and realizing that his casting of me into the dating pool and into middle age single hood.......feels in line with that.....despite all I know logically.....so I got to peek at my whale this week....and it is OK......I am never upset when the whale surfaces.....the whale comes up for air less and less.....and is peaceful in its depths......not harming me.....just coexisting.....and I know that as I navigate all of this it will come up more often for me....maybe again and again......and then settle again and I am accepting that.....this is a part of this journey that I have more healing to do for sure....new territory in this story......and I will do just that........Happy Wednesday! :)
jperuso
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