So as I have said I would never have chosen this path for my life.....not ever........would never have wanted to see the end of my sweet little family and the end of a marriage I fiercely wanted to see succeed......but since.........I find myself here in this odd spot right in the middle of my life I am going to seize the opportunity that has been given to me......I feel like I have this unique chance to start my life over with wisdom and grit under my belt this time......much more well suited for the journey, much better equipped to make a life I have only dreamed of........I literally have nothing holding me back.......nobody to answer to or try and steer a ship with.......nobody to clear my trajectory with.......I am on the ocean free to go where the wind takes me and where my soul leads me......AND I am a little wiser than I once was so I have that beautiful gift to take with me......my wisdom being my copilot this time reminding me of what I want and what I don't want.....and being this choosy in life is hard and maybe won't amount to much in terms of a new love but it might also be amazing........like knowing exactly what I want and holding out for it no matter what, love of my life next stop..............or being content to finish my story solo.......one or the other is just fine by me truly.....but the possibilities are exciting.....to think that the love of my life may be out there waiting down the road is wildly exciting!! To think that I will continue to crush my goals and bucket list stuff with a lightness in my soul and peace in my heart, for the rest of my life equally as exciting. EITHER WAY I WIN! OR HAVE WON.......and I didn't even realize it.......definitely didn't realize it in the beginning.......during my darkest of days........I have realized so much........SO much.........some of it so painful to admit to myself and to acknowledge and some of it so excruciating to endure........but clarity comes in the space........the space in between impact and healing...........and in the examining and the growing, I am able to see clearly that somebody felt me worthy of bestowing a golden ticket to me, in the most tragic and wonderful way, and I do not plan on wasting it..........I am going to treat my life, everyday, as the great adventure it is, and the gift that it is........I will never fall asleep at the wheel again.......I promise!!!! and if I end up starting to spend time with somebody that begins to lull me to sleep and complacency I am OUT..........never again......being this awake is a high I have never felt in all my life.......I feel truly alive in ways I haven't since I was a kid or a teenager........and I don't plan on giving that up if I can help it:). It is way too amazing, to sacrifice it again.........and if my perfect match exists out there he too must be fully alive.......willing to walk in his truth and do the things that set his soul ablaze each and every day......... And if he is not out there and I have met my love quota for this lifetime, then I am going to spend the rest of my life loving myself like it is my job and making my life what I want it to be.......pushing myself......challenging myself........growing myself...... all of it.....so as I said the golden ticket I have been given is an amazing opportunity at this point in my life.......one I will never take for granted or not appreciate.........I didn't choose it but I will damn sure make the most of it every single day:)
jperuso
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