We all are......we all have scars that come to find us as we travel that become a part of who we are.....deciding how we will show up in this world.......and it is the deepest ones that define us to some degree.......and that make up who we are....I would say the first time I was deeply wounded was when my sister passed away......it had been by far my deepest hurt up until that point in my life....it brought me to my knees......changed my view of the world......changed who I was.....I lost a piece of myself that lived inside of me before that day.....a part that believed that life and the world were different....fairer somehow.....gentler........a part that believed something like that could not possibly exist.....and it required strength in me to move through the grief that came with losing her....the deep pain that lived in my heart......that still lives there......there were so many things I had to work through to move forward.....and eventually the scar stopped bleeding......faded into me, into my tapestry........one of the next biggest moments that I consider one that defines me......or has made me who I am......and made its way into the tapestry of my life was having Gabriel.......it was one of the most difficult things I had ever done, including losing my sister.......it required so much of me and so much that I wasn't sure I could offer.....it spoke to the deepest parts of me, my insecurities, my fears, all of it.......I felt overwhelmed and scared for so much of the first days and weeks of his life, and I was being pushed and prodded in ways that made me so uncomfortable.....yet I persisted.........and when I did there was a point, fairly early on where I stopped fighting it.......stopped railing against it.......stopped adding to the challenge by feeling put upon......and I just embraced it......accepted it........understood it......and that is where I found my magical boy.......in that space of acceptance....not in the space of feeling as if I was given more than I could handle......all that space did was make me feel scared and alone........the space of accepting what is instead of fighting what you think should be, is where all of our power lies........and as I took on that challenge it faded into my tapestry....into the spaces that make up who I am.......and along the way I have lost other people that I loved so deeply.......and with all of my being and each time it cuts me to the quick and adds another layer of living to my life.......and all those places have lead me here.....to perhaps one of my deepest wounds......one of the brightest colors in my tapestry of scars.......and again the decision came before me............do I fight it all.......do I rail against it......do I add to the destruction of the moment......of the challenge.......or do I just accept what is......and choose to just accept it.......and understand it was meant to be in the fabric of my life......and it will be woven in like the other scars, like the other defining moments.......and I will wear it with pride and hope.....it belongs to me......it is my story.........my life.......and I hope if you are reading this you take a moment to think of your defining places, your own tapestry......and you feel pride at all you have endured and survived that has brought you to this part of your life......nobody gets out of life without weaving a tapestry of their own.....my children are getting their first piece of their tapestry right now.......the piece of them that will carry their dad leaving......and I hope I can show them how to have it become a part of them, but not allow it to change who they were meant to be in this world......I hope I can show them that they can carry their scars with dignity and grace.....not allowing them to destroy them but to make them more colorful.....more real......more authentic.....and instead make them more of who they were meant to be in this world......that is my prayer......
jperuso
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