So much of what has happened has settled.......for the most part......but every once in awhile I get this small wave of panic.......at the thought of never having any closure or putting it all to rest in the ways I have felt I had needed to for so long......it doesn't happen often anymore.....and really hasn't in a long time......but it happened recently for the first time in a long time, so it brought it to my attention that it is still there.......and it is curious to me as to where that strong of a feeling about it comes from......my mind knows that there is nothing to be said that can undo or soften the damage that has been done....no words that exist really, to adequately convey the magnitude of what has been done.......so in my logical mind......what is the point really? Not to mention I have no idea what a real conversation with him would be like anyway.....and I likely would be surprised, and maybe dismayed anyway, because the once upon a time space is gone, and we don't function the way we used to when we could share what we needed to.......so again......no point in the real sense......but I guess it comes down to my wondering how to rid myself of all of the things that I need to say.....or maybe feel I need to........and the lack of accountability he has had in any of it.....not having to face it all at all......because I have let it go to move on in our new lives......facing it all every single day......which you know what....... was the right decision on my part......it was not fair......or just......as most of this has been......but it was most definitely for the greater good of us all......and for now it will be up to me to find a place to put all these words and sentiment......so I am working on it.......and the truth is most days, and in my day to day it is not important.....it doesn't come to find me......doesn't call my attention.....but every once in awhile I am aware of its presence.....the knowledge that it is there.......waiting........for what I don't know.......and maybe I am wrong......maybe a simple acknowledgement and the words spoken aloud......would help tremendously......maybe........if I felt they were sincere, and if I felt there was some true understanding behind them.......the only thing I know about the topic, is that in the beginning it was wildly important.......and I was obsessed......and thought of it all the time for the first few months........and then.......it became less and less important.......till now.......... when it is not hugely critical to me in any way.......but the awareness of the desire for it.......has not fully faded.......and I have no idea what brought it up the other day......because it has been gone for a long time.......I haven't thought of it in ages it seems........so as with all that comes up, I honor its presence.......listen to what it has to say......not get too wrapped up in it......and let it go.......and maybe with this, once I figure out how to solve my part in it, and lay it to rest.......it will go for good........I trust that whatever is needed.......or whatever should happen.........will.........and I have made peace with this.......and will again and again and again.......and be the brave one.......standing in the end of it all and finding a way........to lie it down for good
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