Passed him in the car today.....may as well have been a stranger....a stranger heading home from work....me to my life.....his to his life......in those moments I wonder what crosses his mind......wondering when the grief comes to find him......I am certain no matter what is being shown for another's benefit, you cannot be with somebody for nearly 20 years, share a life, share sweet children, share the deepest places of this life, and avoid the grief of losing it all......you may be able to run, numb, and hide for a bit.....but eventually it comes for us all........the weird part of all of that, or the complicated part is that he and I are grieving the same thing....the only two people in this world that truly know what we lost, truly know what "Nick and Jenn" was made up of........and yet we cannot and won't be grieving it together.......that is an interesting phenomenon.....to not be grieving the loss of what you have lost, with the person who lost it too...............maybe it won't be that way forever, but for now it is up to me to grieve this all and heal on my own.......and that is OK........I am doing it each and every day......feeling parts of my heart close up.......feeling my mind get stronger, clearer.....filling my cup with things I love.....comforting myself when I need to.....all of it..... our kids are grieving too, so very much.......they lost a version of what we lost too....their safety, their fun, their security, the four best friends........their greatest treasure......their mom and dad loving them under the same roof.......they are equally as confused as I.....but with not as sophisticated language to articulate it......I am helping them swim through their pain...showing them the ropes......my kids are my main priority......they don't share the horror in their hearts with their dad because they say " they don't want him to feel bad, or hurt his feelings". Their words not mine........My kids melt my heart in those moments and break it further.......how kind of them to protect their dad, how thoughtful to try and shield him from the pain he has caused.....I don't say that with sarcasm or in a snarky way.......I am truly touched by their precious nature......it is so genuine and authentic of who they are....problem is it should be the other way around......he doesn't see that yet....he is literally standing in his own way......in their way......he has to continue telling himself all the stories.....all of them......all of what he needs to to survive the horror he has inflicted, most of all letting another come between he and his kids.........and continue to do so........I am remaining faithful, saying my prayers, holding hope, that a man I knew to be one of the best fathers I have ever witnessed in this world, finds his way back to himself.......I truly am...........
jperuso
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