Madeline recently discovered that the person that is on Facetime with her dad every time, is his girlfriend.....I know right?? Like how did she not know???.......She came off of Facetime the other night, I was in my bedroom and she told me......she told me the question she asked and the answer she got.....it made her very sad she told me.....and confused....but she was unable to share those things with them because it makes her feel embarrassed.......she told me she doesn't understand.....that her dad is supposed to be with me.....etc.....etc....her little heart was shattered again......and I think she knew all along, but there was that denial place in her that didn't want to know......she still has elaborate fantasies of her dad and I getting back together......talks about it often.......and I am always clear on that with her.....that that won't ever happen.......but yet.......she persists........it hurt my heart for her.......then later that weekend we were talking on the deck......and she said for the millionth time......."are you sure daddy is never coming home mom?"........I cannot even express how much that question hurts me......every time she asks it......and I told her no he isn't......and gave her the speech I say when she asks it......to reassure her as best as I can, but still tell her the truth.......then she said what if you get a boyfriend? You can't have a boyfriend mom, it has to be just me, you, and Gabe forever.......and she started to cry:(.......I gently told her that she won't have to worry about that for some time.....that my priority is always she and her brother......but that maybe someday mommy may fall in love? She was having none of it......getting more and more upset at the thought......I told her we didn't need to talk about it now......that it is not even an issue anyway......then she said what if you meet somebody and like them more than us.....and I thought AHHHHHH......that is it right there......she fears me doing the same thing her dad did.....and replacing them with another person......and I told her that would never happen......that she and Gabe will always remain my main priority.......as this was all going on in my mind, it made me so angry at him in that instant.....and I thought that this is another wildly unfair piece of the puzzle for me in some ways.....their dad LIVES WITH ANOTHER WOMAN......and they don't say anything to him......or have the same feelings at all that they will have someday when it is my turn.....if it is my turn one day......and for me it will come carrying guilt and extra work, and complications to ensure they still feel safe every minute........because they view me as their rock......as their steady place......their soft place to land........but "fair" is a trap......I don't spend too much time thinking about what is fair and what isn't......because truth is the scale is tipped so far in my direction in the unfair department it is already lying on the table.......but in my "unfairness".........have been huge blessings....... and me finding a life I love, so I won't give any air time to the "unfair stuff".......I would not trade with him for millions of dollars.....I mean that.........not for one moment.......where I am is the only place I want to be.......and living the life I am is the only life I want.......and I know when the time comes for love to find me.......that the person will understand how it will have to be......that they will be patient and understanding of my relationship with my kids.......and that this person will captivate my children as much as they will me.......and I will know......and so will they.......I am trusting that.......and in the meantime......I will continue to help my kid's hearts heal.......one day a time..........
jperuso
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