I have to be honest, I am really excited about tomorrow night......and I am not sure what it is about this situation that is causing that, as opposed to my other almost dates lol:) Or my one and only real date.....but something intuitively, and in the air feels a little zappy, and like there is a reason to be excited......but having said that, and my willingness to enter it with an open mind and spirit......I am sitting in one of the most powerful positions I have ever held in all of my life.....I have nothing to lose.....not a thing......I am not needing somebody or love, I am coming from a place of desire and openness, but if tomorrow night goes horribly oh well.....I mean that......truly........because that would mean that he isn't my guy......and this isn't meant for me....not even in a dating sense.......simple......and I would continue down my path with joy and faith in my heart......grateful for another date under my belt and another experience.......and the truth is I have a really good time by myself.....have created comfortable and comforting rituals, and habits for myself.....I enjoy each day and never feel an emptiness beside me......I just don't......and maybe the most powerful part of the position I am in, is the fact that I have proven that I can be alone and do it myself.....I will forever know that, no matter what comes and what goes.....never feeling fear of being alone grip my heart.....not ever again......armed with an arsenal of tools to use on a rainy day.....forever and ever.....so tomorrow night I will show up in that position......being totally and unapologetically ME.....no pretense......no pretending to be a person I am not.....none of that......he will either get my vibe and like it, or he won't and vice versa.....and now that my intuitive sense has deepened, I will know that clearly.....no gray area anymore.....just clear cut yay or nay.....but it won't be based on any inauthentic pretending on my part......I am past that part of my life....not hiding Jenn away, and her depth, and her too much stuff :) Obviously I am not planning on coming in heavy and dredging up all that history on a first date lol;-) save that for another day lol:-) but I don't plan on pretending to be anything other than me.....I have fought hard to be her, and she is worthy every single day......so I have jittery feels and some butterflies anticipating it all, which is kinda fun:).....but will never leave me disappointed......I think somehow by attaching so hard to my faith and to my journey it helps me become immune to disappointment......because I trust the ebbs and flows and if it floats away, or never reaches me, well then......there is my answer......so I am hopeful that tomorrow night goes well, and believe either way it will be a good story, a little bright blip on my trajectory, and a good blog entry lol:) Happy Friday! :)
jperuso
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