I just woke up a few minutes ago and I am still sort of reeling from my dream, and this is going to be a vulnerable blog today, but an important one I believe......Last night was super fun we had a blast, got in pretty late....and had so much fun:) Lots of laughs mostly at the expense of my dating life or lack thereof;-) but everybody that came for my friend's birthday was funny and clever, and we all fed off of each other, and laughed the night away and got some dancing in too! It was such a great night! .....And this morning finds me having one of the most powerful and healing dreams I have had in all of this.....I have written about these dreams before......I have not received any closure in the aftermath of my marriage, or been given the opportunity to have a conversation with my ex about all of what has happened....he left on a Thursday night abruptly and we got into a few heated and horrible arguments in the aftermath of it all, emotions running super high...... but there has never been a conversation yielding any sort of apology, or peaceful and productive result between us.....so my subconscious has stepped up to the task.....and offered up these dreams once in awhile as my journey as progressed, and usually right when I need them to come.....and this one was the most powerful of them all.......throughout the dream we were sparring a little.....him saying things that surprised me, and me saying things that surprised him.....about our experience in all of this....and some of the huge issues that lie between us......and there was some heat to the conversation initially, but it was still civil and productive, and it felt like one of those conversations that goes on forever.......and then in true dream fashion we morphed to another spot and were laying down in a boat.....like a rowboat kind of boat.......and I was trying to make him understand how alone I feel in parenting our kids....not having anybody to talk about things with that cares about them the way we do.....and that I wished we could co parent in a more functional way.......and that our relationship could be better.....and all of it......I was just pouring it all out......all the things I have been thinking and feeling.......and then I felt silence and when I looked over at him......I saw such a kind look on his face and saw pure recognition of it all.........pure validation........and clear understanding of how this has been for me and from my side, it was right there on his face and in his eyes...... and then he opened his arms and motioned for me to lay on his chest and I did, and I sobbed, letting it all out....... and that is how I woke up with the feeling of our embrace and healing moment right there.......waking up in this thin line between being asleep and awake.....and it was like BOOM......like being hit with such a powerful force.....really hard to explain.....and there was no romantic nature to it.....no longing......no wanting to reconcile.........it was just human to human.....him offering me a safe space to break some.....something I have yet to do.....I have not been held in this yet and been able to just break......I have had to self soothe and move through it all day by day without a physical refuge...........and wow.....did it feel like it mattered and would matter so much.......and I know that the likelihood of sharing such a vulnerable moment with him in our waking life is unlikely......highly.....and I forever hope that perhaps that might happen someday.....some sort of vulnerable and healing moment......but have also accepted that it may not.......but if it did the gifts found in it would be pretty profound.....these dreams show me that......and I wish he understood how healing it would be for him too......I think he misses that part too........it would not be just for me, it would be for us and our story......and sometimes I wonder since these dreams feel so real and almost like I can reach out and grab them, that he is dreaming it too.....I know that is likely not true......but it seems like he would have to be participating somehow for it to be so powerful.......it is truly hard to explain that last moment this morning and how I woke in it.......in such a feeling of surrender, relief, and healing.....and releasing.......laying down my armor and my sword and just letting it all flow........and yeah it felt like something......like another piece of healing in this story has found me.......a full circle kind of thing......and for that I am grateful.......and a little shell shocked;-) There is so much I would say to him if I were free to do so.....but if it was one thing.......it would just be that it doesn't have to be the way it is.....and that this could be so much better......I truly believe that with all my heart.....and I pray one day that it changes and does become better.....I truly do.......Have a great Sunday y'all and thanks for holding space for me to share my heart.....it means so much:)
jperuso
Comments