I know dramatic right? But is it? It was more than death that night, there was a willful act that caused the death of a piece of me......not an accident......an intentional act......so it was more than death and rebirth it feels more intense than that. I have spoken before about the changes in me, my life, all of it since........but here is the hard thing......I see people looking at me, trying to figure out the new Jenn, not quite knowing what to make of her, and not sure how to act around her, or relate to her, and it makes me sad sometimes.......because I can't help them......I am at a place where I am unapologetically me and I do not have energy right now to make anyone understand it all......so I know as I travel I will lose relationships......granted ones that were never real to begin with if they can be lost this way, but a loss nonetheless.......the same thing happened after my sister passed I emerged out of my heartache and found that some people had bailed......pain and suffering make others uncomfortable.......like they don't want to stand too close they may catch it......don't want to look in your eyes for fear of??? I am not sure.........what I do wish though is that the people in my life would know that I realize it will take time to adjust to my new self and say goodbye to the old but it is like that for me too.......I feel it just as strongly as they do.......I sometimes feel like I took off a suit that night, my former self.......and then it took me awhile to be able to piece together a new one to put on....... I am in touch with both versions of me.......but I am learning too, who I am, how I behave in the world now, letting go of old patterns, picking up new ones, and committed one thousand percent to personal growth and evolution........and unfortunately everybody isn't here for the same thing.......and my path makes them uncomfortable, presses something in them they do not like, so they retreat.........and you know what, it is absolutely OK.......we are all on our own journey remember? All here to do our thing, make our way, walk our path.......and my path isn't for everyone.....not understood by everyone.......but the people that get it really get it and for that I am so grateful........but on that Thursday night in January Nick murdered a part of Jenn never to be seen again.......a part that couldn't survive her new life......that wouldn't have made it in the aftermath.......and that part of me is laid to rest in my heart and mind now......there is still a twinge of sadness when I think of the part that is gone.......it was an open part of me, a loving one, a part that believed in the work we were doing, and a naive part in me that believed that good prevails over people's demons if you just love somebody enough........turns out that isn't true.......so the part of me I have laid to rest has been replaced with a wiser part, a stronger part, a part that has her eyes wide open.........and is fully awake.........and knows better.......about a lot of things she sometimes wishes she didn't..........truth is when we go through an enormous life lesson or trial we can't get out fully alive.......or exactly the way we were before, we can't even if we wish we could........that is the point........so as we travel through trials and triumphs we shed people and gain people as we should........some people are not meant to walk with us at certain points in our lives and I have accepted that that is OK.........it just is.........because the people that walk with me now are absolutely the ones that are supposed to........and for them I am grateful........
jperuso
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