Gabe wants a new dad for Christmas.....:( One that lives in our house and is a dad to him full time......and it is heartbreaking to hear him say that.....and he loves his dad too but for him it isn't enough......he wants there to be four of us again.....have it be complete.....in order with the way his mind views a family.......someone to be here day in and day out......in stark contrast as Gabe says this over and over to Mads and I, the thought of it sends her into a panic......making her upset at the thought of it......her feeling is that she has a dad......and while she misses him a lot......it is her dad and there is not a way to replace that......and it is interesting to watch my kids navigate this all......and know that as it evolves and as the journey continues.....new things come up.....new bridges to cross......new places to go.....I must say that besides my own challenges in dating.....and finding it wildly difficult LOL:) knowing how my Gilly feels makes it all the more complicated.....wondering how long I would have to know somebody, or be dating them, to share that with my kids.....in my hypothetical mind that is a long time......too long a time though to build a relationship, needing to spend some time with someone outside of the parameters of my every other weekend availability.....and as I type this, I think I will probably just know what is right....the when and all of it.....and know that there may be growing pains.....and that will be normal.......and that maybe it won't be smooth initially but we will get there......but it definitely gives me pause......not wanting to hurt her.....or stress her further......her fears having been articulated to me....."what if you meet somebody that you like better than us?" "what if you leave us?" and my calming all of her fears in those moments......even though I have barely dated ;-) it normally comes up, as Gabe is asking for a dad......and Mads remains horrified, wanting it to just be us forever and ever.....I am taking them to breakfast with Santa this morning and then they are going to their dads......I will take the time to wrap presents and finish shopping......grateful for the space to do that.......my only Christmas wish being for my kids......that as we begin year 3 together......that they heal even more and find peace with it all.......and that they have a happy and healthy new year, having even more adventures with their grateful mama........AMEN:)
jperuso
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