I have been home for the entire week taking care of my kids.....they are both getting better and that makes me grateful.....and I have remained flu free so far which also makes me more grateful than I can express! .....I am hoping that means I am in the clear......;-) So I have had a lot of time......time to relax some, and reflect as I am taking care of them.....and this time of year makes me nostalgic......bringing up all the feels from right before he left......He left in early January....and the Christmas before he did was wrought with controversy and stress......and when I think about it, I pray I won't always feel this way.....Christmas being one of my favorite times of year.....but carrying this thin cloud ever since......but when I stepped down the rabbit hole last night, revisiting FB posts from long ago, and the ones in the aftermath, and sort of watched my journey in those early days.....instead of making me feel sad.....it made me feel so blessed.....the amount of support I have received is truly second to none.....just so much support, so many kind words, so many atta boys, so many you got this Jenns.......just so much of so much.....and you know what those things are so so important......when we do that for another human we are helping them find their inner strength.....their inner warrior, helping them believe in themselves.......helping them realize that they can rise and overcome whatever comes, even if it threatens to consume them.......looking back on that stuff, I was reminded of the immense pain I was in.....a pain I had never known existed and it made me wince to think of.....and feel grateful I am past that part......but watching some of my physical, spiritual, and mental transformation was kind of amazing to me......watching joy and light come back into my eyes and into my soul......watching Jenn shed all the darkness and heaviness that had overpowered the end of my marriage, darkness I was willing to live in at the time if it meant saving my family.......and learning that I didn't need to carry that......that he freed me from doing so......his most merciful and kindest act in this entire story.......the place where he set me free and left...... knowing that I could not do that, and bear the weight of the destruction of our family......at least not then......and maybe he didn't realize that, but I did.......so looking over our shoulders from time to time, I think is a good thing....not to lament or wallow......but to remember how far we have come......how far back that start line really was......and I truly could not be prouder of the last two years and all that I have accomplished on my own, and the places I have taken myself.....and the fear I have faced over and over, roaring back at it with as much fierceness as I could muster......I am going into year 2 Christmas, with satisfaction in my heart, and hope for year 3 on my own to be the best one yet! Knowing I have dreams and goals to chase and my soul knows that I am just getting started indeed!
jperuso
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