So the last few days some stuff has come up for me.....maybe the holiday is bringing it up, or other life stuff.....but there is a little bit of longing in my soul.....and I am not sure for what.....but it feels like maybe for a soft place to land....I watched "The Proposal" the other night with Sandra Bullock.....only second movie I have watched since the end.....and as I watched I felt a little melancholy......identifying a little with her fiercely independent character.....a woman that relies heavily on herself in the day to day.......and then when she falls out of the boat, and cannot swim, and she is pulled from the ocean and finally breaks down in the arms of her guy......it kinda touched my heart, and made me cry too......it came bearing the realization that I have yet to to breakdown and be physically held in that space.....I have been emotionally held by so many people....and that is the stuff for sure......but there is something about having your physical body held and feeling space to let loose that is powerful.....and I haven't been able to......yet.....and watching that movie reminded me of that.....and pricked a longing in my heart for such a space.....something Nick won't understand, after he left.......leaving me to fend for myself and put the pieces back together without a soft place to land......without somebody to hold me and and tell me it will be OK......and truly most days I get fully that my life, in this season, is not about that space......it is about healing......it is about my kids......it is about carving out a new life.......it is soon to be about building a business.......it is about self-care........self-love.........about so many things that light me up.......but the absence of the physical part of my life can feel heavy sometimes.......there is only so much one can do for themselves......and no substitute for human connection physically, there just isn't.....and as I watched her breakdown and cried myself, it made me realize this piece....the fiercely independent stuff that is me.....and feels so damn comfortable.....the not needing.....the not yearning....the not of so much.......but that I need to be mindful of the balance.......and allow myself someday to let down......and let myself be held in a space that I need.......balancing my independence and self reliance with allowing myself to be held by people in my life......both figuratively and physically......and if I think back I don't remember too often feeling like I could allow myself that luxury.....always steeling myself to my resilience and forging on.......not exactly like Sandra Bullock....I am definitely more warm and fuzzy, lol:). But definitely in an independent way.....I have been like that as long as I can remember......as a kid I don't remember feeling like that but I did always rely heavily on me.....shielding others from my pain and stuff and finding a way to get through it.....and truth is I sometimes feel tired with that part of my life......with the doing and managing, juggling all of it, and not being able to let up, nobody to catch anything if I drop it.....and I have felt like that for years, even with somebody beside me......but now it really is just me.....I can't let up....I can't stop juggling it all, so I do........and ultimately I guess what I mean........is that I hope to someday cross paths with a man, that can help me explore that part of me......the part of me that will feel safe to let go.....to not have to juggle so hard.......to be more vulnerable.......to soften my strength with his strength......and find a beautiful balance in both those spaces.......somebody that will summon the woman inside of me that wants to be cared for some, not always do it all......that will make me feel safe, held......and supported.....and if he is out there, it will be the first time in all my life that I get to experience those things......and I will have to learn......learn to trust.....learn to let go.....learn to ease up......and I am keenly aware that that is what I am looking for.......I don't want to juggle forever so hard.......someday I want a soft place to land and learn to juggle in a party of two:)
jperuso
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