I have written about my strength before....it has been with me as long as I can remember....it is one of the things about me that makes me feel safe in this world....and confident, and sure of ME......because I know every day that I can count on this chick.....one million percent, and she can endure......and it makes fear wash away for me, for the most part.....but there is another side to having a great deal of strength, and maybe too much of it....isn't there always.....a duality to things in life......and the flip side to it, is a lack of vulnerability......or a willingness to ask for help.....I am really terrible about that....I will problem solve endlessly, or struggle hard, before I will ask for help....and only if I have to;-) and again it is good to be independent, and resilient, and all the rest.....but it also is tiring sometimes.....really tiring......and since my world imploded, I have been fighting through the aftermath....it feels like those movies that we see.....where there is a seemingly normal event.....a family vacation, a wedding or something, and then all of a sudden the characters get thrust into some kind of fight for their life.....and they don't sleep for days, and there is one action scene after another....and they get to the end of the movie and can finally sigh and hug their family in the back of an ambulance.....lol:) You get the idea right? I have been in that action sequence without a safe place to land for a long time....and the adrenaline has subsided and I have settled in.....but I haven't had the ambulance scene yet......and I still have to be really strong on a regular basis to live this life....and it is OK with me, it is.....but I am working on being more vulnerable.....and my date on Saturday showed me that.....there were two moments, where I realized how long it has been.....how very long it has been, since I have felt like somebody was looking out for me.....a man looking out for me......and we went hiking....and all of a sudden he reached over and pulled a little leaf from my hair......and it stopped me dead in my tracks.....which seems absurd, really lol:) it was a simple gesture, but absolutely enormous to me.....because I have spent SO much time the past 5 years in the leaf pulling role.....and not on the other side.....and it really touched me in a way that is hard to articulate.....and then we were coming down a steeper embankment and he turned around and gave me his hand to help me....and it made me second guess taking it......and getting into the I can do it myself mode lol;-) I am such a jerk lol, again absurd.....and then I let him help me:).....and both of those moments showed me some stuff....one that I have work to do there....with letting my guard down, and being vulnerable....and work on laying down my sword down sometimes.....but also some pain surfaced....realizing how neglected and uncared for I was in those final years of my marriage....and maybe for longer than I care to admit.......and how long I have cared for me.....drying my own tears.....holding myself......steadying myself......and choosing to retreat inside when the going gets tough, before I will reach out......and it is all stuff I need to work on......I know it....and own it......and I am not sure I will ever be balanced when it comes to strength.....I may always have a little too much.....but I do seek to find better balance.....and let myself be held and supported more.....instead of being the one that does the holding and the supporting....and maybe my new friend was sent to help me learn some of that.....that remains to be seen....but it felt good to feel cared for some.....that I know.....and I am sure for him, neither thing was a big deal.....but to me, it was symbolic of a gateway that is open to room for growth.....and a place that I want to experience more in this life.....feeling cared for and supported.......given to in the ways I give......and so perhaps I will:)
jperuso
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