In the beginning of this journey being present in my children's heartache was one of the most excruciating parts of it......and now truthfully most of the time they seem pretty well adjusted and their grief doesn't come too often......but last night......they had come home from their visit with their dad......and they had a great weekend, which always makes my heart happy.....but I think due to the circumstances of the visit changing some recently it brought up grief for Madeline and she broke down........sobbing about missing her daddy......and why did he leave.....and why couldn't he have stayed.......what happened........and looking into her face and seeing the pain.......the grief.......and the panic that is still in her heart.......was excruciating......it was so powerful and present and real........and so hard to witness, because I can't change it.......it is a deep wound that will stay with her all of her days......no matter what I do.......this wound is deep.......she kept asking why her dad left......and that is a question that is so hard to answer......and I have come up with a reasonable answer, that does not bring the adult part in too far at her age......but has some honesty in it also, but very delicate.......but I am not sure she will ever feel any other way than that her dad left her......and that breaks my heart for her......and I try and help with that......telling her that her dad and I are crazy about her and love she and Gabe deeply and never wanted this to happen......and I just validate and hold her while she breaks........it has been a long time since the last time that this has happened, and I was totally caught of guard.......I guess somewhere secretly hoping that she wasn't in so much pain about it anymore ......but last night confirmed it is a pain she endures and carries every day inside her heart......and I suppose that is true for all of us......I was talking to some of the girls at lunch at school the other day, and also started crying suddenly out of nowhere for a moment......and had a grief slip of my own.....a reminder that the pain exists and lies right there waiting to be released......and that is the way grief is.....it just circles around and around and we find a way to live with.......to take it in as a part of us.......but it never fully leaves.....never becomes empty......never reaches its end......so needless to say last night was so hard.......Mads was so distraught and wanting it to be solved.......like for him to come home......and for me I know that I would never want that.......even if it would ease my children's hearts, because I now know better, and that is excruciating too......to live in that knowledge......not that it is an option anyway.....but just knowing that even if it were I wouldn't seize it, when my kids are hurting......makes me feel some kinda way in a complicated way.......so all I can do is continue to validate her experience in this story......her story......and give her a place to release those feelings and help her navigate the complicated waters........every single day.......I have talked many times about the fact that we don't choose the heartache that visits our children......and sometimes their first big blows in life come without warning.....without our permission......and we need to accept that, and just do our best to give them the tools, support, and love, to heal and grow from the things that find them the best way we know how.......and that is what I try to do for them every day.......
jperuso
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