We need both instincts and intuition to survive in the wild;-) Instincts are an innate, typically fixed pattern of behavior in animals in response to certain stimuli..........and Intuition is the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning."we shall allow our intuition to guide us" And in my last dating situation I used both.....and both my instincts and my intuition are really good in this chapter.....they really are, and considering how things have gone in my life that may be hard for others to understand or believe........but hindsight is a beautiful tool, and where I fall short is in not listening to one or the other a couple of times.....allowing other parts of myself to take over.....so it is in the listening that I need to grow.....fiercely listening to both.....and that is so hard because there is a part of me that is so open and understanding.....logical and rational.....and wants to see all the parts of a situation or a person.....or any of it.....and impart that deep understanding to it and them....and while I love that part of me.....I really do.....and I think others that I have given that part of me do too.....it has always been my Achilles......my whole life.....so......I need to up my game some in terms of listening to my instincts and intuition all of the time, and not allowing myself to step over doubt, or benefit of the doubt.......I guess I battle that in me too because people are not perfect right? We should not expect that......so finding my line for understanding, and my line for a cold hard boundaries is a delicate dance I am learning.....And most times, in my new life.....I am doing pretty well......all of the gifts that have come, and developments in my life, have derived from those new superpowers.........but then old Jenn comes into the picture, usually surrounding relationships......and she feels so comfortable.....so much like me.....that she makes me forget for a moment all I have worked for......how hard I have worked to rise above the things that no longer serve me......and part of the challenge that I just recently realized as I was dating him.......is that I am in a position in my life where I cannot be totally me.....who I am inherently.....I have adapted really well to single life......I do not think anybody could discount that......and there are things I have absolutely fallen head over heels for......and I mean that with all of me.....but there is also a part of me......that is a "girlfriend gal"......a "relationship gal"...........etc......I have always felt comfortable sharing my life with somebody......and in the context of what I just went through.....even though it did not end the way I expected.....at certain points I felt that part of me again......the "girlfriend gal" that lives in me......and she is denied in this chapter for the moment......and that realization is sad to me in a way that is hard to articulate.....and makes me wonder how to reconcile the two......my single self and her.......and maybe I don't need to.....maybe my girlfriend girl can reside inside of me.....hang out and live there alongside my single gal......however the more I grow my single gal, and adapt her skills to live this life, the quieter my girlfriend one becomes.....until she is forgotten....or was forgotten by me........which is what I experienced......I had forgotten that she is a part of me too....until I saw some of her come forward in certain moments.....and they felt like me too......and I hope that all makes sense to my readers as it does to me.....but it was another realization to take with me.....to know about me....and to integrate, because none of us are one thing....we all have things we lean toward.....or are more "us".....and in this instance I have come to realize that I have two versions of me.....ones that are sort of contradictory, living inside of me.....and I guess my work will be to keep them both alive....not wanting to extinguish either because clearly the circumstances of my life have called for both:) And above all else I am just grateful I have been able to step into the roles that have found my life and feel comfortable doing so in both capacities....not finding myself too much of one or the other......so for now girlfriend gal must retreat.....her particular skill set not needed....and single gal is taking the lead:) And that is all alright with me!
jperuso
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