I feel that way sometimes these days.......;-) I guess the situation with Mr. Connecticut and online dating in general made me think of it......I have since clarified with Mr.C, and I guess he was busy but not necessarily not interested.....but in our exchange, I realized that my instinct to move along was correct......but it is in the experience of attempting dating that this foreigner analogy stepped forward.......and to some degree maybe all my life......I have always felt different since I was a little girl.......I always felt and thought about stuff deeply.....spent a lot of time swimming in the depths found inside of my head, or my heart.....caring more about stuff than the kids around me......my conscience running deeper......my pull toward the underdog breaking my heart more deeply.......injustice in the world hurting me......loving deeper, loving harder.......just feeling it all........all of it.......and my whole life I kept her at bay some......hiding some of that depth away to be a part of regular life.....not wanting to fully express who she was, in fear of others not getting it, or turning away..........able to exercise her needs through some friendships I have had over the years where I can talk about deep and meaningful stuff........small talk is harder for me.......it never feels like enough or authentic enough........and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes.......so over the years that has kept me sustained......mostly.......but there was a part of living like me in this world that was missing.....until now.......and now I have committed to speaking my truth and being authentically me no matter what......choosing to allow the deeper parts of me run free, write and express herself freely, and now there isn't a way to go back......so I think that difference caused me to misunderstand some on my last dating exchange.....but truth is the entire dating world feels foreign to me......people wanting, even expressing their desire for connection, but then behaving in ways that don't provide for that.......there is not one person that wants to be on a dating site.......I guess unless they enjoy playing the field I suppose.....but if they are somebody that wants to actually meet somebody and have a shot at something real, being on that site is not where they want to be......and I am finding there is certainly a lack of depth and real found there......and that is not a judgement......it really isn't......it is just an awareness that what I seek is often different than what is out there, and it makes it challenging.......and I believe deeply that when I came into this life I was hardwired for love:).....my original specs and pieces made for love not dating.........in nearly every romantic relationship I have ever had it ended in love, a long standing relationship.........so..........this is maybe the first time I am really dating for all intents and purposes, and it feels like I don't speak the language, or know the customs, or understand much of what goes on most of the time;-) and I don't write this feeling sorry for me......because I don't........or sorry that I have decided to show up as me finally in this life, not even a little bit......I just know that the man, or more importantly the connection that I ultimately seek will be found in a different way.......or if through a dating site, I will instantly know and feel the difference........it is just that feeling things so deeply, and really feeling people much of the time these days, the ways that I do, can feel lonely sometimes......I am blessed with all the friends and family I have in my life that get me, and swim in my waters with me, seeing me and reminding me that being yourself fully is the most important gift you can ever give to you.......and worth it........and meant for only some.......I do know that the predominant thought that leads me each day......is my willingness to not give up and not settle.......not ever.......I am all in now......no turning back, and I am seeking a man that meets me there, and fully sees the woman that stands there, and is a strong swimmer:)
jperuso
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