No matter what I know now.......or how much I have traveled in the last 10 months.....having a failed marriage on my life scorecard still stings.......and the fact that I tried as hard as I did and in the end it wasn't up to me.......doesn't help........and what I am finding is most of the experiences we have in this life comes from the beliefs we carry.....the ones that come to find us as kids.......as young people......as moms......as wives......as professionals.....as humans.....we have a boatload of them......ones that we carry in our lives......that dictate how we live, and where our sense of self comes from.....or how we view ourselves......or others....or the world.....and I have been working hard to challenge some of those......clean them out......because many just don't serve me any longer.....don't resonate in my soul.....don't belong to me.......don't feel good anymore.....but the marriage one was a strong one......I believed SO deeply in the sacred space that marriage holds......in the commitment........ the promise.......the shared life.....that to fail at it in this life seems like a big deal........I am not a quitter.....I am a finisher....I try and follow through in my life whenever I can.....do what I say....mean what I say.....and yet here I am.......unfortunately the success of our marriage wasn't a one woman job......and no matter how hard I tried, it just didn't work.......I was speaking to somebody recently about working so hard at something......and still failing and how weird that is.....because one of my beliefs comes up in that notion....."that there isn't anything that cannot be accomplished if you just try hard enough"........turns out that isn't the truth.....not a belief I should carry any longer......I think the idea of trying hard in general is a good one....but not the one where it will definitely yield what you want......and maybe this lesson is partly about the failure.....about graciously doing so......accepting failure as a part of life....one where we learn and take those lessons with us into our next challenge....maybe that.......because failure is a part of life........and marriage is hard.......and I sense there are some people I know pretty well, that likely aren't that happy in their marriages......struggling in the same ways we were.....not knowing what to do......and are where I was.....trying so hard for a different reality......and I hope for their sakes and their children.....that everybody makes it.....but some days I know so clearly......that it is Ok.....to let go too.......of something that is no longer setting your soul ablaze.....and instead is diminishing you......that as a society we have to give people permission to fail without feeling like a failure.......to honor failure as a process........as a space we all know about..........and my mindset is not normally one of failure being an option.....and I try hard to not fail.....but maybe I need to be more open to failing and getting back up and learning and moving on?? However in this case I did..... we did......he did.......and I am allowing the reality of that.....to be OK.....it just is......and maybe I won't get the opportunity in this life to get it right, to conquer the complexity that is marriage.......or maybe I will......but what I will do in this life is come to terms with this failure in my life and accept it......and learn from it and grow.......to some degree I already have........;-)
jperuso
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